Smart eating can be found anywhere, like the prepackaged sushi by the register at Big Tony’s Pizzateria ‘N’ Skee-Ball Hut. Grab those week-old room-temperature California rolls — they’re gluten-free!
Incorporating fruit into your diet is easy: While waiting in line for the Spin-o-Rama, mine for loose yogurt craisins from the bottom of your son’s repurposed fifth-grade backpack.
Sweet Potato Tater Totz are full of Vitamins A and C, and have been shown to combat perimenopausal hot flashes (two baskets, minimum). Bonus: Apply the waxy paper basket liner to your décolletage to instantly camouflage early signs of sun damage.
Hydration’s always a priority. When your daughter finally gets her turn on Watch Out for Women Drivers: Convoy for Girls!, be sure to steal gulps of her Fluorescent Blueberry Super Sippeeee while muttering, “We stood in line for twenty-seven minutes for this bullshit?”
When the park hits peak capacity, locate the Dawgonnit Hawt Dawg Hut, ask for Shane, and pay top price for whatever edibles he has. He’s holding, but left them in his glove compartment in Parking Lot C? That’s cool, Shane. Time to get in those steps in.
Come upon a toddler gumming a $14 “artisanal” ice cream sandwich? Pluck that treat from his chubby fist. You’ve got osteoporosis to battle. It’s not your fault his mom chose to haul a cranky baby to Six Flags just because her niece Stephanie insisted it would be a “memory maker.”
And, as always, remember self-care. Half a Dusty Purse Clonopin, a hot Car Altoid, and two swigs of flat Diet Pepsi will stave off that migraine until you’re circling the parking lot in search of the southbound exit.