“The German family whose holding company owns controlling stakes in companies such as Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Panera Bread, Pret a Manger and Einstein Bros. Bagels profited from the horrors of the Nazi regime, according to a bombshell report in a German newspaper.” — The Washington Post, 3/25/19.

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Welcome to Oy Meshuggeneh Brothers, our family-owned, super-authentic, totally Jewish bagel shop. Our family is proud to serve all your noshing needs with time-honored recipes passed down from the old country. True, our bagels have the consistency of car tires and come in flavors like Chocolate Chip and French Toast, but we sometimes use the word “schmear,” so you know we’re legit. By the way, when we say “family owned,” we mean our highly secretive German family that is worth $37 billion dollars.

Oh, and one other thing — all our money comes from being Nazis.

We were shocked, shocked, when we read the recent investigative report showing our mega-rich billionaire family profited extensively from Nazism. We had no idea that all of our wealth came from collaborating with the Third Reich. Did we say “no idea?” Actually, we had a pretty good idea, seeing as our wealth magically appeared during the years 1933-1945 and our grandfather constantly railed against the evils of the Jews.

We know, it’s super-cringey, right? Here we are making gobs of money off this Jewish bagel chain. On a scale of 1 to Yikes, we’re definitely at Yikes. If you’ve ever wondered what the big deal is about cultural appropriation, our shadowy German family selling bagels after we personally profited from the Holocaust should clear things up. You should probably just put our picture on the cultural appropriation Wikipedia page.

Did we mention our grandfather literally had slaves working for him? He belonged in prison! But since he’s dead and can’t be in prison, we’ll just keep living off all the buckets of money we inherited from him. It’s nuts how people will just put all morals aside and become rich off fascism. Good thing that’s all in the past now!

We feel really bad about this, you guys. Bad enough to, like, give our bagel chain to the families of Jews who lost everything in the Holocaust? Heck no! But as a token of our goodwill to the victims of Nazi atrocities, we’ll be donating $11 million dollars to charity. I know the rest of you probably can’t do billionaire math, but that’s an extremely generous 0.0297% of our net worth.

It is such a relief to get this off our chests. For an hour there we felt so guilt-ridden, not even a yacht trip around the Mediterranean sounded appealing. Now we can enjoy our yachts as mega-billionaires should. You know, countless Jews can’t enjoy their lives because they and their entire families and communities were murdered in a terrible act of genocide that our family actively and financially supported — so it’s really our moral duty to continue living our best lives.

Anyway, you said a poppy seed bagel with lox and a schmear? That will be $6.99.