A French baguette, but only the inside — NO CRUST

Seven slices of American cheese

A frozen waffle, cooked

A frozen waffle, raw

The ricotta layer of an entire lasagna

Half a stick of butter

Four very specific Oreos

Pizza, just the cheese

Applesauce through a straw

Macaroni and cheese, the “real” kind that cooks in a plastic cup in the microwave

A $4.99 half-pint of organic blueberries

A cheese quesadilla dipped in maple syrup

Gum, swallowed

Carrot sticks, not swallowed

Chicken noodle soup with oyster crackers, minus the soup

The jelly half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

Toast cut into four triangles: one with butter, one with jam, one with mayonnaise, and one with pepperoni

Pizza, just the sauce

Around the edges of a cheeseburger without ever actually biting into the meat

A Swiss Miss hot cocoa packet

One bite each of three apples

A grilled cheese sandwich, served with a cup of orange juice so he can soak the sandwich before eating it

Spaghetti bolognese with the sauce rinsed off in the bathroom sink after he pretends he needs to wash his hands

Cheez-Its aged in the car seat for three weeks

Birthday cake even though nobody we know has a birthday coming up

Something he’s allergic to

Teddy Grahams eaten from a bowl on the floor like a dog

The dog’s actual food

Sour cream that he thought was ice cream and continued eating to save face

Those little packets of coffee creamer they have at diners

The poisonous red berries on those bushes outside

Cheerios and milk eaten from the Lightning McQueen cereal bowl, and if you can’t find the Lightning McQueen cereal bowl you might as well go kill yourself


Ketchup licked off a matchbox car

A bite of whatever you’re eating, even if you’re both eating the same thing