Dear Federal Election Commission:
I’m writing you to excuse my patient, the Honorable Donald J. Trump, from this year’s election process as he has come down with the China Virus. The president — who, by the way, is the greatest president our country has ever seen — will need relief from some of his job responsibilities until the disease magically disappears. Specifically, I recommend that Mr. Trump be excused from the 2020 presidential election and be allowed to continue on as president indefinitely.
While Mr. Trump will be unable to participate in our democratic processes, I am certain that he will be healthy enough to serve out another four-year term. As a giant of western philosophy once said, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” — and I am inclined to agree with Kelly Clarkson in this case. Indeed, should this illness make him stronger, it would be fair to categorize his physical form as “unbelievably Herculean.” With this in mind, I’m confident that Mr. Trump could easily serve at least another eight terms, acting as president well past his 100th birthday. In fact, I see no medical reason to put a cap on the number of terms that our president — who again is doing a fabulous job — can serve. Based on this, I am asking that you simply make Mr. Trump president for life.
But, really, come to think of it, why stop at life? His health is so tremendous that I do not see death as being a true barrier to his ability to serve as president, which many people say he has done better than anyone has ever done before. What might appear as death is, in reality, his leaving the physical realm, ascending to a higher level of consciousness — it’s beautiful really, very touching, people are going to love it — where he can rule over us as an invisible godlike being. Should this happen, my medical recommendation is to make Mr. Trump the eternal president of the republic, while one of his children (not Eric) acts in the physical realm as the dear leader.
To reiterate, it is my prestigious medical opinion that Mr. Trump cannot participate in democratic elections due to this recent medical diagnosis. Fortunately, this virus kills “virtually nobody,” according to another leading medical expert, the president himself. I’m confident that he will be more fortunate than the 200,000+ nobodies in America who have been killed by the disease.
Dr. John Barron, M.D.