Thank you for creating an account on Twitter.com! Please refer to our updated Terms of Use policy below for guidelines on how best to take advantage of our platform:
If you are… BELOW THE AGE OF 30: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million people, each with a unique story to tell in just 140 or 280 characters, depending on how we feel. Happy tweeting!
If you are… ABOVE THE AGE OF 30: Is everything okay?
If you are… A BUSINESS: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million potential customers all waiting for you to destroy your brand image with an ill-timed tweet advertising your product during a tragic occurrence or on a solemn holiday! Happy tweeting! Never Forget!
If you are… A MAN: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million women demeaning you personally by having opinions, taking part in discussions, and failing to sleep with you. Happy tweeting their names, addresses, and telephone numbers!
If you are… A WOMAN: Hahahahahahaha!
If you are… A PERSON OF COLOR: Quiet down.
If you are… A PARENT: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million people in the time it takes social services to reach your residence and relocate your child to a more hospitable environment! Happy tweeting to Sally on Christmas!
If you are… A TARGETED ADVERTISEMENT: Two MIT grads use a patented algorithm to pair you with wine. Take the quiz now to find your perfect wine match!
If you are… A JOURNALIST: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million people while you can before ONLINE ORDINANCE 451 GOVERNING SPEECH BY NON-PARTY OFFICIALS is enacted. Happy tweeting IN SERVICE TO THE MIGHTY AND BENEVOLENT STATE THROUGH WHICH FREEDOM IS GUARANTEED AND SECURED!
If you are… A SPORTS FAN: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million Dallas Cowboys fans. Remember to stick to conversation strictly regarding sports, even as every institution and safeguard of stable society we know of slowly crumbles around us. Happy tweeting!
If you are… A NAZI: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million people to whom you can tweet at and respond to as frequently as your heart desires. Happy tweeting! Sieg Heil!
If you are… A HEAD OF STATE: Welcome! Please enjoy our diverse user-base of over 230 million people that you may accidentally incinerate at any moment due to a misplaced exclamation point! Happy tweeting!
If you are… A BOT: Добро пожаловать! вы можете делать все, что захотите! Наслаждайтесь!
If you are… JUST HERE FOR NEWS: So too shall the darkness come for you.