To our treasured [COLLEGE / UNIVERSITY NAME] community,

This week, the unthinkable occurred on our [REVERENT ADJECTIVE] campus. An [INFLAMMATORY COLLECTIVE NOUN] overtook the historic [CENTRAL CAMPUS LOCATION NAMED AFTER PROBLEMATIC DONOR]. Thankfully, the [CAMPUS POLICE / MUNICIPAL POLICE / NATIONAL GUARD / PRIVATE MILITIA HIRED BY BILLIONAIRE FOOTBALL BOOSTERS] responded with [A DIFFERENT REVERENT ADJECTIVE] and [YET ANOTHER REVERENT ADJECTIVE] action to defend the defenseless [AFOREMENTIONED CAMPUS LOCATION] from this band of thugs. While [NUMBER HIGHER THAN 100] individuals were thrown to the ground, tased, tear gassed, and arrested, only [PERCENTAGE BETWEEN 85 AND 99] of these vigilantes were affiliated with our campus as students, faculty, or staff. The vast majority of [NUMBER BETWEEN 0 AND 5] of them were outside agitators from the greater [CITY OR TOWN WHERE YOUR INSTITUTION IS LOCATED AND IN WHICH IT CLAIMS TO BE DEEPLY INGRAINED] area.

These individuals have all been charged with criminal trespass and are forbidden from returning to campus, except, in the case of students, when submitting outstanding tuition payments of [YOUR BIRTH MONTH TIMES YOUR DATE OF BIRTH TO THE 15TH POWER] to the Office of the Bursar to process their official expulsion paperwork. Faculty should accommodate any students affected by these events, which is no students, because, again, these were not student-activists but rather [IDK JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP LOL].

This is not who we are as a campus community. When [NAME OF COLONIAL SLAVE OWNER] founded our college as a [SEMINARY / FARMING AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY TECHNICAL COLLEGE] in [YEAR OF FOUNDING WHEN NEITHER WOMEN NOR STUDENTS OF COLOR WERE ALLOWED TO ENROLL], he bravely coined our motto: [LATIN PLATITUDE THAT OVER THE YEARS HAS BECOME A RUNNING JOKE AMONG STUDENTS AND FACULTY]. These wise words have guided our mission ever since and rang in my ears as I called in the [CAMPUS POLICE / MUNICIPAL POLICE / NATIONAL GUARD / PRIVATE MILITIA HIGHERED BY BOOSTERS OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM] to use [EUPHEMISTIC REFERENCE TO MILITARY-GRADE WEAPONS] on the enemy infiltrators.

Thanks to our [THESAURUS ENTRY FOR UNDERPAID] staff, who worked through the night to clean things up, I look forward to welcoming your families next week to [AFOREMENTIONED CENTRAL CAMPUS LOCATION] via hologram from my bunker for our [ORDINAL NUMBER] and definitely not final commencement ceremony. Kindly remind your loved ones to bring three forms of ID and a pair of [FAVORITE BRAND OF PROTECTIVE GOGGLES]. In the meantime, we’d like to give you a chance to share your thoughts and concerns regarding this developing situation at our upcoming webinar on Friday from [SHORT, WILLFULLY AMBIGUOUS TIMEFRAME]. Please submit all questions for review to alumnidonations@[INSTITUTION’S NAME].edu.

And to the Board of Trustees: Remember that I know where the bodies are buried. Literally: our campus is built on the ancestral grounds of the [LOCAL INDIGENOUS GROUP WHOSE NAME I HAVE TO LOOK UP HOW TO PRONOUNCE BEFORE OFFICIAL EVENTS] people.

Go [RACIST MASCOT]!
President [YOUR REVILED NAME]