All right, settle down, everyone. Take your seats. This is Advanced Mathematical Social Dynamics and Applied Psychology in Literary Politics 361.

Look to your left. Now look to your right. Every one of you who actually just did that will fail this course.

If you’re here now, that means you’re really committed to learning advanced mathematical social dynamics and dedicated to pursuing applied psychology in literary politics.

And if you’re not committed, AMSDAPLP 361 will steamroll you and then back up again to roll over your flattened corpse once more.

That’s right, all the rumors you heard during registration are true. This is the most difficult 300-level class the university offers.

This course will test your intelligence, your tenacity, your memory, your endurance, your coordination, your fashion sense, and your vocal range. I’m not going to spoon-feed anything to you, and in fact, extracting important information out of me will be an exhausting mental and physical challenge. I constantly move around campus at a brisk pace of six miles per hour, and a password updated daily is required to access my verbal responses.

If that sounds like too much, leave now. There’s the door!

Great, now those of you who remain are serious. I’m passing around a syllabus. Please take one and hand the rest around the room in a connective shape without passing to the person directly next to you or skipping any student.

Okay. Let’s start with course objectives. Over the next ten weeks, AMSDAPLP 361 will weed out the weak from the strong and the capable from the pointless. By the time you’ve completed this course, you should know that you stand alone where few others have stood, be able to feel superior, and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the content.

Moving on to course materials. If you assumed I’d just tell you what they are, you’ve failed.

Exams: The first one already happened. Half of you failed. If you can’t tell which half failed, you fail. The second exam will occur when you least expect it, either at a crowded music festival, underwater, or at the university’s Qatar campus. Both exams are worth 50 percent of your grade, unless they’re not anymore.

Late work policy? Nonexistent.

Of course, I will make myself available to you if you want to discuss the course material. My office hours are from 3:15 a.m. to 4:23 a.m., held in a wing of the university you can find only if you already know where it is.

But look, I’m just going to say this bluntly: 99 percent of you will fail this course. So now’s the time to decide if you’ve really got what it takes to be here.

Okay, it appears our class time is up, so that’ll be all for today. But if you leave now, I’ll assume you aren’t serious about advanced mathematics, social dynamics, applied psychology, and literary discourse. So think wisely about your next move.