Congratulations on your purchase of a 2017 Sadvent Calendar! As always, each item has been hand-selected to help you make the most of the holiday season. On the following page you’ll find a day-by-day guide for what’s behind each door. Feel free to check back after Christmas to make sure you’ve gotten everything the calendar has to offer. On behalf of the entire Sadvent team, we wish you a new year that’s a little bit better than the one you’ve got now.

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December 1
A photo of your best friend from kindergarten who’s aging remarkably well.

December 2
An MP3 download of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus… and Uncle Rick… and Mrs. Elkins From Next Door.”

December 3
A 10% discount card good for one round of egg freezing.

December 4
A contentment-scented candle (burning time: three minutes).

December 5
A pair of extremely comfortable track pants one size bigger than you usually buy.

December 6
Your ex-girlfriend’s toothbrush, just as she left it.

December 7
A motivational note from someone who bought Bitcoin at $25.

December 8
A one-year subscription to Tinder Plus.

December 9
Some holly, jolly Prozac™.

December 10
A note from your mother requesting you not make the yuletide gay this year.

December 11
A diagram showing how far your teeth have moved since your braces came off.

December 12
Your Parents’ Divorce, Volumes 1-3.

December 13
Goodwill towards men, 77% will towards women.

December 14
A medallion of St Monica, the patron saint of alcoholics.

December 15
A photo of your father’s face the moment he realised that by pushing you into a higher socio-economic class he’d also alienated you forever.

December 16
A Balsam fir scratch-n-sniff eviction notice.

December 17
Some holly and an IV.

December 18
A gingerbread house (the only property you’ll ever own).

December 19
A fleeting sense of what America was like before 9/11.

December 20
A sage and onion pessary.

December 21
An ‘elf help book (How to Get Off the Naughty List and into Recovery).

December 22
A peppermint-flavored noose.

December 23
Pumpkin spice bleach.

December 24
Nothing.*

*Santa’s Workshop is temporarily closed due to allegations against Santa Claus.