Bassett Hound: You have a shoe fetish. Specifically, a slipper fetish.

Beagle: You still think you can kick a football, don’t you?

Boykin Spaniel: You identify emotionally with the L.L. Bean catalog.

Chick Magnet Puppy: You have the emotional depth of The Fast and the Furious movies.

Chihuahua: You have turds in your purse.

Dachshund: You’ve been given a lot of Oscar Meyer Weiner-themed refrigerator magnets.

Finnish Spitz: The Craigslist ad said it was a Shiba Inu.

French Bulldog: Your dog eats better than most American children. If necessary, you would feed it an American child.

Golden Retriever: Your Suburban has been reupholstered with dog hair and Cheerios.

Havanese: Deep down you’re really a cat person.

King Charles Spaniel: You are in an oil painting.

Komondor: You once made out with a white guy in dreadlocks at a Phish concert.

Lhasa Apso: You started a new book club with everyone but Janice.

Norwich Terrier: You call the salon the “beauty parlor.”

Old English Sheepdog: You’re a dark-haired cartoon prince who loves the ocean.

Rescue mutt (small): You saw that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan.

Rescue mutt (large): The typo-riddled before-and-after photo essay of your dog’s rescue has been re-pinned thousands of times.

Rescue mutts (multiple): You love children, but hate talking.

Rottweiler: You own eleven firearms.

Saint Bernard: Late-stage alcoholism has destroyed your sense of smell.

Samoyed: You thought you’d have more Instagram followers by now.

Sharpei: Upon blowing out your birthday candles, your oversized chenille sweater sprang to life.

Tibetan Mastiff: While your husband is with his mistress in Shanghai, you enjoy the company of this $200,000 bear.

Welsh Pembroke Corgi: Your face has been on postage stamps in over 50 countries.