Read Part 1

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Australian Shepherd: Two of your bridesmaids were canines, but not the one that shat at the altar.

Beagle: Writing from the rooftop was not the boon to your freelance career you thought it would be.

Bloodhound: You’ve been eating small quantities of acorns for years in preparation for societal collapse.

Bolognese: Be careful what you order when you’re high.

Border Collie: You got giardia from a Tough Mudder obstacle course race.

Cavoodle: You’ve lost sleep over a Christmas card font.

Chinese Crested: You’re one Brazilian wax away from an intervention.

Croatian Sheepdog: Yes, you did mention that you were a Fulbright Scholar.

Dalmatian: It’s not animal hoarding if you’re privileged!

German Shepherd: Home security isn’t everything, it’s THE ONLY THING.

Great Dane: You’re not ashamed to share food with your dog. Or your mattress in the back of a van. Or the occasional joint at an abandoned fairground.

Irish Wolfhound: It was cheaper than getting the kids a pony.

Italian Greyhound: Your anxiety loves company. And tiny puddles of urine.

Jack Russell Terrier: Your desperation for a meet-cute has resulted in some catastrophic ER bills.

Lagotto Romagnolo: You think Pottery Barn is a little pedestrian.

Löwchen: Most people hang their diplomas in the office, but the kitchen is fine, I guess.

Poodle (standard): It’s a handy sublimation for your love of the Muppet Grover.

Poodle (miniature): It’s an oblique sublimation for your love of the Muppet Fozzie.

Poodle (toy): Your child is the wealthy villain in a John Hughes movie.

Portuguese Water Dog: You’re as famous for your arms as you are for your advocacy.

Pug: You have a soft spot for mouth breathers.

Scottish Terrier: Your wife insists you shave your mustache, but the subconscious finds a way.

Shih Tzu: You either adore or detest mildly vulgar puns.

Siberian Husky: You can tell the difference between a TJ Maxx candle and an Anthropologie candle.

West Highland White Terrier: You frequently update your last will and testament as a threat to your relatives.