Dear Parent,

Today is your LAST CHANCE to order this year’s school photo package. And unlike the 27 other “LAST CHANCE” emails we’ve sent you this month, we mean business this time. In fact, we find it so hard to believe that you’ve yet to order anything from us this year, we created a special offer that’s sure to get your attention. Are you ready?

For a limited time, not only do we have a GREAT deal on this year’s school pictures, but we also have your child.

That’s right, you didn’t mishear us, we kidnapped him. And this email, which should have been an innocent little reminder to let you know you can also buy a coffee mug or a mouse pad with your son’s face on it, is also a ransom note. Technically this is the “EARLY BIRD” ransom note, though we warn you there won’t be too many chances before it’s truly your “LAST CHANCE.”

We’d much rather it hadn’t come to this, but by leaving us to conclude that building a lifelong collection of cherished school memories is no longer meaningful to you, you’ve forced us to escalate beyond our usual marketing tactics.

Now, don’t worry, your child is alive and well. Here is a picture to prove it. And here’s another one, this time with that classic wintry birch forest backdrop. Here’s one with lasers. And here he is in a class photo with several other students we’ve kidnapped — such admirable school spirit in light of the circumstances. Also, the black letterboard held by the bravely smiling little girl in front has today’s date spelled out, which should serve as irrefutable proof of life.

Getting your son home safe and sound is just a few clicks away. Simply order one of our stylish and affordable packages by midnight tonight and you’re all set. If you use the promo code “RETURNMYSON” you’ll even get a coupon for 20% off next year’s order and/or ransom demand.

If you don’t meet the midnight deadline, then things get a little trickier. You know that temporary watermark logo you see on online proofs of photos before you order them? Well, if our demands aren’t satisfied we’ll have no choice but to apply that same watermark permanently to your son.

In the unlikely event that another 24 hours go by without an order we will mail you a package. Inside this package will be a sample of one of our timeless and elegant class rings. Let’s just say that whether or not there is a finger attached as a bonus is entirely up to you.

But it’s not going to come to that, right? You’ll snap out of your indifference and, by midnight, rekindle your love for maintaining a treasure trove of keepsake school photos. If nothing else, think of the grandparents. How will you explain showing up next visit without a showpiece 10” x 12” of their grandson framed for the mantle and also without their grandson? Avoid any awkwardness by ordering now and get FREE SHIPPING on both.

And please take care not to demonstrate any future lapses in customer loyalty; remember, “retake day” can have more than one meaning.