$15 IKEA desk lamp: You attend graduate school in Linguistic Anthropology.
1992 Goodwill futon with dog bite marks: You wish people would stop asking when you’ll finish your dissertation in Linguistic Anthropology.
Rose gold Himalayan salt lamp: You have over 13,000 Instagram followers and have never been to the Himalayas.
Sit-to-stand desk: You have used the word “biohack” as both a noun and a verb in the same sentence.
“Live. Laugh. Love.” Light-up sign: You’re a Taylor Swift fan who lets her dog kiss her on the mouth.
Man cave neon Budweiser beer sign: You’re married to the Taylor Swift fan.
Diamond patterned Jute area rug: You make your own deodorant from shea butter and arrowroot.
Handmade Swiss cuckoo clock: You like your grandchildren, but you love your collection of ceramic garden gnomes.
Deluxe 56” foosball table: You use the phrase “let’s circle back” three times daily.
Mahogany executive desk with lion’s head moldings: You forbade your children from majoring in art.
Assorted crystals hanging from wall-mounted driftwood: You forbade your children from majoring in business.
La-Z-Boy reclining sofa with built-in mini-fridge: You pray before football games, but you do not attend church.
Red, giant hand-shaped chair: You host a podcast about polyamory.
Run of the mill home bar: You haven’t yet admitted your alcoholism.
Restored prohibition-era rolling bar cart: You openly brag about your alcoholism.
Wood-framed King waterbed: You’ve invited more than one-hundred women to your bedroom to check out your collection of Stryper concert tees.
Luxury leather barstools: You’re a Bank of America VP who defends American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman as a misunderstood hero.
Steampunk coffee table made from salvaged industrial gears: You always carry a custom vape pipe and a twenty-sided die.
Discontinued IKEA Expedit Shelves: At night, you’re an all-vinyl DJ, but by day you’re a regular DJ.
3D printed Voxel chair: All of your assets are invested in Litecoin because Bitcoin is so last year.
Indoor, cascading Zen water fountain: Your viral YouTube video — “Money doesn’t matter, live from the heart!!” — was filmed on the deck of your yacht, The Carpe Diem.
Marble-topped French bistro table: You legally changed your name to “Jean-Paul Belmondo” to realize your dream of becoming a character in a Jean Luc-Godard film.
300-gallon marine aquarium with a small, endangered shark: Every Friday, you eat sushi off a naked woman.
Centuries-old tarnished bronze candelabra: Someone was murdered in your home by a group of robed figures incanting in Latin.
Mies van der Rohe Barcelona Chair in black leather: You are a sentient bank lobby.
Marble Neptune statue of a naked mermaid: You are the ghost of William Randolph Hearst.
Black, tufted velvet chaise lounge: On the ides of December, you leave a bottle of brandy at the grave of Edgar Allan Poe with a calligraphy note reading, “Forevermore.”
Oak throne with Celtic wolf engravings, carved from a single tree: You visited your local Renn Faire and took things too far.
An empty room: You read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and took things too far.