John Edwards: A midnight rendezvous near a dimly lit pier between beloved—and now deceased—actor John Ritter, and Law and Order and Sex and the City star, “Mr. Big” Chris Noth.

John Kerry: A “hentai”-like one-night stand between Droopy Dog and Academy Award-winner Adrien Brody, from which Droopy, after carrying young Kerry to term, kept him on a healthy diet of Codeine and infomercials.

Dennis Kucinich: A less-than-pure encounter between M. Gandhi and Linda Hunt while reliving her Academy Award­ winning gender-bending role in The Year of Living Dangerously. Gilbert Gottfried was unfortunately an influential “uncle” in young Dennis’s childhood. They were also too poor for milk.

Howard Dean: Yosemite Sam, the guy with the top hat from “Monopoly” (clean-shaven), and the legal assistant downstairs who has put on maybe 25+ pounds since he started work here in August, keeps his sleeves perpetually rolled up around his forearms, and sweats from the brow as though he were entering Nigeria without a visa.