Thanks for joining me, Earth, on this Zoom call so bright and early. I’ve actually been up for a while, haha. Also, sorry that I’m a potato. I don’t know how to fix that. Can I get you a virtual orange juice? A GIF of a coffee? I’ll just be having spring water, but you could probably guess that.
So, what have you all been up to? Just chillin’ at home, razoring the hair off one side of your head, dressing your dog in a sequined bolero? I bet I know what you haven’t been doing. Flying in planes, running factories, killing things. Shotgunning barrels of crude oil. Running over manatees with powerboats. Everyone in Los Angeles didn’t even know they had a sky until last week. Yeah, imagine there’s no pollution, it’s easy if you try… idiots.
Me? I’ve been busy, the good kind of busy. Just interesting to discover how productive I can be when I’m not panicking over how to sequester an obscene amount of carbon, you know? Mostly I’ve been listening to what whales sound like when they swim in the ocean without emitting an existential panic scream. I’ve also been letting penguins out of their enclosures so they can wander around, but honestly, that’s just for kicks ‘n’ clicks.
What’s that? You’ve been doing cry-yoga, wailing into your closet full of clothes that have dimensional limits, and taking your dog on her 32nd walk of the day when you’re not homeschooling your kids? Oh, is life challenging for you right now? Is it not what you wanted? Do you feel like a force greater than you isn’t quite listening to your needs and just doing whatever the hell it wants?
Huh, can’t imagine how that feels. Must be hard. Must be frustrating. Must make you so super angry that you’re considering sending a 17-year-old Swedish girl to fix it.
Since we’re on the subject of feeling frustrated, unappreciated, and not listened to, it’s fascinating how every year someone asks me, “Hey Earth, what do you want for Earth Day?” and I’m like, “Man, you know what I want” and everyone’s like, “LOL, OK, we’ll plant a single tree and run an ad about it.”
Earth Day — my day — turned into a half-assed brand-sponsored shitshow somewhere along the way. Look, I want to feel bad for you guys, but I just… don’t? This is the best Earth Day I’ve ever had. Like, you are nowhere to be found. I can’t see you, I can’t smell you, the only time I hear you is when you’re screaming or crying, and I’m not gonna lie, it gets me off a little. Because you know what I’ve had to deal with? Pelicans coated in crude oil. Starving polar bears floating to their deaths. David fucking Geffen.
Maybe I can frame this in a way you’ll understand. Imagine me slowly spinning on my axis, looking forlorn. I’m wearing a mask and you can hear plinky piano music in the background. I’m using the word “unprecedented” for sure, but only in voiceover. Then it cuts to black and type slowly fades up on the screen. You know what that type says?
Guess who went viral
for Earth Day, bitch.
Anyway thank you for joining me on my big day. Feel free to go back to sorting through your failures and arranging your canned goods by color. I’ll be over here feeling clear, happy, and full of life. OK bye… Yup bye… Talk soon… Alright, see you later… Just leave the call. Oh, “End Meeting,” yeah, I see it now. OK, everyone, enjoy those great indoors!