In the era of Tinder and JCC singles laser tag it’s easy to find a date. But how can you tell who’s interested in you and not just your smokin’ hot body? The women of Sex and the City and other high-profile sexperts confirm you shouldn’t have sex on the first date, but that’s not enough for me. To make sure I only get involved with truly special people, I wait until the third date to have sex and also take this paper bag off my head.
The process is easy. I grab a paper bag that’s large enough to comfortably cover my face and hair. Bags from delivery restaurants are a great place to start, plus the lingering scent of sesame chicken adds a sensual touch. I cut out holes for my mouth and eyes, small enough to hide the goods but large enough that I don’t suffocate. With hot breath reflecting back into my nose and darkness surrounding me, I head to a bar and order a drink with a straw.
You might be wondering, Are men really into this? Heck yes, they are. There are three things successful men love: mystery, challenges, and recyclable materials. When a swarthy, financially-stable gentlemen sees me colliding with a busboy due to lack of peripheral vision, he wants, nay, needs to know more. Who would do that? he thinks. Seriously, who in their right mind would do that?
I would. I’m not afraid to think outside the box (which are harder to cut holes in), and men appreciate it. Herds of besuited suitors flock to me, eyes gliding over the folds of my bag. But my eyes are down here boys, so stop looking at my paper bag and instead look at the tiny, visible sliver of my pupil.
A number of men have made it to the end of date number three, ideally at a Japanese restaurant because sashimi is easy to get through the bag’s mouth-hole. After finishing our last sips of sake, we head back to my place where they passionately rip off my bag. The reaction upon seeing my face doesn’t matter, because by then we’ve formed a bond that goes beyond what I look like or the number of nostrils I have.
It’s true, I’m still searching for The One, looking for a partner to face the world with. Even though I sometimes get lonely, I know that bagging is leading me in the right direction. While my face may be hidden behind layers of brown paper, my heart is entirely on display.
Ladies, believe me when I say, the paper cuts are worth it.