I’m just plum flummoxed, Jerry. You know as well as anyone that I was willing to give Nyarlathotep the benefit of the doubt four years ago. I knew He had a temper, and some of his campaign promises — like easing environmental protections and universal psychic hemorrhaging — didn’t sit well with me. But I thought the Black Pharaoh would at least bring some welcome outsider insight to Capitol Hill. Maybe shake things up a bit. And hey, you can’t say He didn’t deliver on that… shook things up so hard the entire planet is now careening through the vast, uncaring abyss of space and time.

But I’m not a proud man, Jerry. I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong. After listening to all those Never Nyarlathoteppers, I realized a return to the more traditional, honorable, extraterrestrial terrors of Hastur was in order. And I wasn’t alone, either. Truthfully, I didn’t know five million people were even left in this barren wasteland we once called America, let alone five million more people casting their lot with the King in Yellow. But the people (left with tongues) have spoken, and it’s clear: We want a trusted career cosmic entity from the humble star system of Aldebaran to lead us into the void. So why isn’t the Outer God Nyarlathotep respecting our time-honored tradition of a peaceful transition of power? Up until last week, it felt like even He didn’t have the desiccated heart for the gig.

It doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, it’s like He doesn’t even care about the system of governance upon which He campaigned to squat over and excrete acidic Desecration Diarrhea. This is a politician who ran on a tireless platform of abject loathing of the world and all its inhabitants around Him. I get that, Jerry. I truly do. Who hasn’t felt that way from time to time? But are you telling me this soulless monstrosity has no shame whatsoever, and will cling to the last vestiges of power until we figure out the correct reverse incantation to send it back beyond the cosmos from whence it came? If that’s the case, then fine. Egg on my face.

It’s all such a mess, but frankly, I also don’t think it’s fair to hold it over the Faceless God’s supporters’ heads right now. So you foresaw ridding ourselves of this obstinate Outer God as an obvious, pathetic, potentially ruinous, totally avoidable national predicament? Well, la-di-da, Jerry. Good on you all. For the rest of us, it’s a very bitter pill to swallow. And you know I’m saying this after years of bitter pills as our only source of nutrition. I thought He’d at least have some respect for the more foundational elements of our society. How was I supposed to know the candidate running with the slogan, “I See All, and It Shall Burn,” would make good on that promise? Politicians never do what they say they would — so you at least gotta give Him some credit there.

Do you even think Hastur will make good on half of His promises of returning this country to the shores of Hali to bask in Carcosa’s infinite twilight? He still has Congress to contend with, at least half of whom remain terrified of their ravenous death cultist base. And, by the way, how do you even pronounce that cabal? QAnon? It’s like we weren’t even meant to utter the word. Oh, and let’s not forget the Cenobite Tribunal solidified by our current Commander-in-Chaos. Let’s see how much Mr. Unspeakable One can get accomplished dealing with Nyarlathotep’s remaining frothing minions. That is, of course, if the Outer God ever concedes to His richly deserved ceremonial banishment… which He probably won’t, so who the heck knows what we’ll do then. We’re certainly in a real pickle, I’ll give you that.

Looking back on it, do I wish I could retroactively change my vote four years ago and opt for Yidhra instead of casting my lot for the Crawling Chaos? I honestly don’t know, Jerry… I mean, Yidhra? There’s just something about the Dream Witch that always rubbed me the wrong way.

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