Hey, your partner called us. Wow. Skateboarding? Right now, at this point in your life? Recreationally? No! Why do you insist on wading into the waters of the Unknown when the safe shores of Life have been given to you by people who love you?

Here are our top five picks for relaxing outdoor chairs. All are perfect for taking a load off and thinking about the heartache and anxiety you force onto your family with all your little “ideas.”

Sol 72 Outdoor Brentwood
Long Reclining Single Chaise
with Cushion

Unlike a Three Posts Dowling Wide, this chair has no guardrails, perfect for someone obsessed with throwing their family into chaos. You skateboarded for a whole summer? When? Not any summer anyone has known you. Must have been one of those summers you spent entirely isolated from everyone you love.

Walker Edison Outdoor
Patio Chevron Wood
Chair Set

A simple design, but most importantly, it comes as a set. Sit down with your partner and discuss what is missing in your life. Honestly, sometimes you get on YouTube and it changes you. What you see on YouTube is not who you are. This is jiu-jitsu all over again. You spent all that time watching jiu-jitsu vids and came out of the bathroom thinking you had a black belt. You embarrassed yourself. We hope you talk with your partner on a couple of Walker Edisons, but bringing your phone into the bathroom has to stop.

Modway Encase Suspension Series
Outdoor Porch Swing
with Stand

Here’s something that’s a bit of an adventure. This is a chair that hangs from a chain. This should be enough for you, but you seem to get off on having unmet needs. By the way, your partner called your mother: you did not skateboard for a whole summer; you skateboarded for one week at a day camp. You did not make it through the week, because a seagull stole your lunch and you “couldn’t risk starving.” Cowabunga, liar.

AllModern Jonas Stacking
Patio Dining Side Chair

This chair is perfect because you can sit it next to a dining table and write out your last will and testament to your children. You can write, “Hey, sorry I didn’t get to watch you grow up because I wanted to be Timothy Hawk. I wanted to be Timothy Hawk and go down a hill on my little, magic skateboard.” Maybe if you come to your senses, pull the AllModern Jonas up to a dining table and write out a few thoughts of gratitude for the life you have, not this fantasy life you seem to run to whenever things get hard.

No one has ever seen you stretch.

Eames Lounge Chair and Ottoman

This chair is actually an indoor chair, but you are just going to do whatever you want, aren’t you?