11. Woke Janet
She doesn’t care if you’re “gay or straight or black or purple,” but does insist you should just pull yourself up by the bootstraps, like she did when she got tenure sometime during the late Triassic. Brings in brownies occasionally, which would almost make up for the constant “Pence is secretly gay” jokes if they weren’t always burned.
Rating: Relatively mild
10. Worse Janet
She will NOT give up her thesis that all of Shakespeare is straight, and if you bring up Coriolanus she WILL cry. Definitely calls you “one of the good ones” behind your back, but at least she makes better brownies.
Rating: A bit sour, especially after you tell her that some of Shakespeare’s love sonnets are addressed to men
9. “Many Sides” Michael
One of his students wore a bandana once, and Mike is very concerned they might be “the Antifa,” or even a reverse racist. Mike is adamant that we shouldn’t fight hate with hate, but at most just tape more New Yorker cartoons to our office doors. Why are these activist kids so worked up about “fascism,” anyway? Millennials are killing the jackboots industry.
Rating: Surprisingly salty
8. Tried Social Justice Once But Didn’t Inhale
The Bill Clinton of bigotry, she teaches a linguistics class but doesn’t think slurs are really that bad, you know? Words just aren’t that important. Greatest hits include teaching a class on disability rights at the top of some stairs, and lifting part of an article on cultural appropriation.
Rating: Very odd flavor combination
7. Jake “The Snake” Worthinghamton
Jake failed to pull off a prank in the final rounds of the competition, leaving him just fourteen pounds of whipped cream short of being crowned America’s Worst Frat Boy. Has definitely uttered the phrase “but it’s not REALLY blackface” at least once.
Rating: Light and creamy
6. The Ideologically Diverse Department Chair
Don’t expect handouts or “safe spaces” here, son! True diversity is diversity of ideas, although he definitely wouldn’t include people of lesser religions in that. Wait, what?
Rating: Seems like this batch of ideological diversity has gotten a little too spicy
5. Schrodinger’s Praxis
Wow, he really sees both sides of this one. Did he mention he’s a registered independent? You have a point, but… it’s just that… well, actually… Refuses to say what that means, but complains you’re just not objective enough.
Rating: Umami, the unknown flavor
4. The “America Was Always Great” Dean
He sends out fatherly biweekly emails after every “bias incident,” reminding everyone that racism has no place in a university built by slaves. Also wants to know if there was a reason your friend canceled his classes on Yom Kippur? Anyway, tell him he’ll have to make that up somehow when you see him.
Rating: Sweet, but leaves a bit of a bitter aftertaste
3. Chad “The Tank” Turtledove IV
It was a close race, but after the Beer Pong Debacle of ‘14 and the Shaving Cream Controversy of last August, Chad beat out several thousand contenders to be America’s Worst Frat Boy. Notable recent achievements include throwing up in your office wastebasket and asking a girl “so then what part of Lesbia are you from?”
Rating: Chad pairs well with the wine you’ll start hiding in your desk after talking to Chad
2. Nancy Reagan Reincarnated
Really, really wants a gay best friend, but very suspicious of that girl from Lesbia, and doesn’t regret abandoning previous bestie Rock Hudson in her past life. During office hours you will notice she has a bedazzled picture of Margaret Thatcher on her binder and feel vaguely unsettled for the rest of the semester.
Rating: Pairs well with Chad, unfortunately
1. The Angry Ghost of the University’s Puritan Founder
If you stay too late grading papers, expect to hear a plashing sound in the walls, accompanied by a low moaning, and some spectral muttering about ideological diversity. Legend has it his statue comes to life every Halloween and attempts to enslave a nearby portrait of Frederick Douglass, but there isn’t yet enough proof to send out a mass email about it.
Rating: The absolute spiciest, arguably the sourdough starter of the whole campus