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Articles by
Keaton Patti
Keaton is a writer and comedian living in New York City. He has contributed writings for The New Yorker, Comedy Central, The Onion, Funny or Die, CollegeHumor and McSweeney’s Quarterly and Internet Tendency. He is also a performer on the Upright Citizens Brigade Harold team Some Kid and an alum of the UCB Touring Company.
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November 17, 2015Rebunking Conspiracy Theories: The Assassination of John F. Kennedy.
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October 19, 2015Rebunking Conspiracy Theories: The Moon Landings Were Hoaxes Staged By NASA
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August 5, 2015The Jury Requests Another Day to Deliberate—Not Just to Keep Hanging Out With Paul McCartney
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March 13, 2015I’m Teaching My Gym Students Useful Exercises, Not Preparing Them for a Heist
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January 6, 2015Someone On This Desert Island is Banksy
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October 13, 2014My Last Will and Testament and Review of the Smith County “Impossible” Hedge Maze
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August 19, 2014I Can’t Sell This Car—It’s Too Hot. Plus, It’s the Popemobile
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June 25, 2014We Can Argue About What Causes Mirages After We Get Out of This Desert
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April 24, 2014I’m Sick of Being Blackmailed Into Playing Bass for Your Band
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February 3, 2014When I Sold You My Windmill You Promised You Wouldn’t Repurpose It for Mini-Golf
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October 24, 2013I Will Continue Spending Money at Your Restaurant Until I Finish Your Placemat Maze and Not a Second Longer
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January 14, 2021I Am the Designer of This Restaurant’s Outdoor Seating Space, and This Is My Artist’s Statement
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January 13, 2021Excerpts from the Sex and the City Revival in Which Samantha Is Replaced with Fran Lebowitz
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December 21, 2020Things I Didn’t Have on My 2020 Bingo Card Bingo
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January 15, 2021
Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing (So Far): Atrocities 1-1,053
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January 19, 2021If We Raise the Minimum Wage, What Will Happen to My Gruel Business?
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January 19, 2021As a White Man, I Say Separate the Art from the Artist
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January 19, 2021It’s My Last Day in Office and I’m Pardoning Everyone
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January 18, 2021Fake MLK Quotes Your Stepdad Gary Posted to Prove He’s Definitely Not a Racist