McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
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Short Imagined Monologues
Send your short imagined monologues to websubmissions@mcsweeneys.net.
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March 25, 2024The CamelBak Languishing in the Back of Your Cabinet Would Like a Word
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March 20, 2024I Am the New York Times’ Paywall, and If I Let Any Non-Subscribers in, They’ll Kill My Family
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March 8, 2024I Will Do Anything to Make This Movie Studio Profitable, Except Release a Good Movie
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March 5, 2024J. Robert Oppenheimer Is Gonna Party His Ass Off at the Oscars
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February 14, 2024As President, I Will Champion Gen X Rights
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February 7, 2024I Am a Boomer’s iPhone and I Will Not Be Silenced
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January 29, 2024I’m a YouTube Child Star, and I’m Probably Going to End Up President or Something
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January 24, 2024I’m “Flexible Instruction Day,” Formerly Known as “Snow Day”
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January 23, 2024I Am the Balance on Your Gift Card, Unknowable, Eternal
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December 27, 2023The Wedding Vows of Someone Marrying Their “Best Friend”
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December 20, 2023If Sam Wainwright Says “Hee-Haw” One More Time, I’m Going to Fucking Snap
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December 4, 2023I’m a Holiday Gift Guide Writer, and I Really Need You Pricks to Start Playing Backgammon
Trending 🔥
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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October 15, 2024Is It Perimenopause or the Fascist Death Knell of Late-Stage Capitalism?
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
Recently
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November 1, 2024I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6
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November 1, 2024270 Reasons: Because on January 6, I Was More Afraid Working at the Capitol Than During My Entire Army Deployment to Iraq
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November 1, 2024Template for Donald Trump’s “I Don’t Accept the Election Results” Speeches
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October 31, 2024This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner