Oh, wow. You know, I’ve heard about this happening, but I guess I always thought it was just an urban legend.

I never really thought it could happen to me.

OK, first things first: I’m sorry.

No, seriously, I’m really sorry. If I could retract my spines and swim right back out, believe me, I would. But I can no more do that than I can stop and ask myself, “OK, you smell ammonia, but where is it coming from? Is that a fish’s gill or is it a penis?” These things are just hardwired into me.

I realize that this whole thing is a massive inconvenience for you and that your day has basically been ruined. Even if you get some ice cream or something after this is over, it will still probably be the worst day of your life. But let’s get one thing straight: no one is happy with the way this worked out. Do you think I want to be inside your penis? Do you think this is what all those millions of years of evolution have been building up to?


This was all a huge misunderstanding.

Really, I’m the one who should be mad here. Seriously, you have to have heard about me. Would it have been that much effort to just hold it in for a few minutes? But, no, you had to go right away. How’d that work out for you?

Oh, quit crying. You’re just embarrassing yourself. I mean, look at me. I’m taking this so much better than you and I’m the one with the real raw deal. When this is all over, you’re going to have an amazing story, but this is it for me.

I’m going to die.

Not only that: I’m going to die inside your penis.

You just think about that.