“A Michigan court rejected a Trump campaign filing challenging the results in the state, calling the motion “defective” because it lacked several requisite pieces of information, including any evidence.” — New York Times, 11/9/20

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We Republicans knew this election was a total fraud from the moment the first vote was cast. We just didn’t know how. Thankfully, we have since come up with the answer: A dead man in Michigan voted four million times.

We know what you must be thinking. Just four million times? Sure, we could have thrown out a higher number, but four million just felt right. We did the math. If roughly 5.5 million people voted in Michigan, it simply wouldn’t make sense for us to say that one dead man voted eight million times. That just doesn’t add up. But four million? Makes perfect sense.

You might also be wondering who this dead man who voted four million times in Michigan is? How does a dead man vote four million times? How did he die? Did he know before he died that he was going to be implicated in the biggest voting fraud scandal this country has ever seen? All good questions. We think this man’s name was Bob. We haven’t come to a consensus on that yet. As soon as Jared puts the finishing touches on the plans for Infrastructure Week, he will make Bob a birth certificate. We’ve got all our bases covered.

Bob was born in 1952 in Detroit to an Italian mother and an even more Italian father. Or something like that. As I said, we haven’t nailed down all the particulars yet. Bob was a pretty average student and got a job repairing car mufflers right after graduation. And then fifty years later he died and cast four million votes in Michigan.

We haven’t made up all the specifics yet surrounding how Bob died. It was untimely and tragic, but simultaneously beautiful and poetic. We would like to think he was hit by an 18-wheeler that was carrying teddy bears for sick children. White House spiritual advisor Paula White is consulting her South American angels on the matter as we speak.

How does a dead man cast a vote? How does anyone who is not a white male cast a vote? Because we’ve tried pretty hard to stop that, and it doesn’t seem to be working. Plus, dead people can walk through walls. We’re pretty sure that at his peak, Bob was casting 42,000 votes per second.

We really want to get to the bottom of this — for Bob’s sake. How is expected to rest peacefully knowing that we randomly pinned him as the dead guy who cast four million illegal votes in Michigan? This is a problem we created, and a problem we intend to fix.

Oh, and also, Bob’s dead cousin Eugene cast three million votes in Georgia. He was either a firefighter, a mall cop, or an alpaca farmer. He may have also sold American flag toaster cozies on Etsy. We’re still working on the details.