An extremely long and hazardous foot race beginning in Seattle and terminating in Eugene, Oregon, with stops at artisanal graveyards and gluten-free tattoo parlors along the way.

Example: “The young vegan magician trained so hard for the upcoming 401K he chafed the entire length of his penis.”


When your Slovakian friend Mörtney has so much emotional baggage you just can’t even.

Example: “I’m so sick of your Mortgage,” Fannie Mae told Mörtney, after Mörtney ruined the adult Easter egg hunt by taking an outdoor poop near the gazebo.


When the federal government is acting like a d-bag.

Example: “Trump was saying some pretty fiduciary things today. What an absolute fiduciary.”

Lifetime Powertrain Warranty

When your Grandpa Albert wills you the same adult miniature train set he once bare-ass spanked you for touching when you were fourteen.

Example: “I was devastated when Grandpa Albert passed, but couldn’t wait to cash in on my lifetime powertrain warranty.”


When Benedict Cumberbatch wears a man-bun, a regular phenomenon in the Berenstein Bears timeline.

Example: “All the ladies (and several sentient armchairs) went crazy over Benedict’s new cummerbund.”


When you’re trying to answer a question about a crow but just ate a Tide Pod.

Example: “I told you — I got attacked by escrow in etree.”

Baby Shower

When you’re late for work but are covered in your boyfriend’s spelunk so you take an itty-bitty shower just for your tummy skin.

Example: “There was no hot water left for her baby shower so she freshened up with her boyfriend’s high school diploma instead.”


Normal writing but from ancient times, rendering it illegible.

Example: “I tried to read my great-grandmother’s holocaust diary, but it was written in cursive so I just donated it to Goodwill.”

Elbow Grease

When your elbows get dry in the winter so you dip them in the tiny jars of basil-scented petroleum jelly your roommate sells on Etsy for $85.

Example: “Why is this elbow grease so greasy? Fucking one star, Lauren.”

Health Care

That thing that’s too expensive so instead you buy off-brand Emergen-C and stay indoors so you don’t accidentally slip on a banana peel and die.

Example: “The young woman’s healthcare plan included a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar each morning and never leaving her apartment.”

Universal Pre-K

When the government micro-doses the country’s water supply with Ketamine, so we’re too high to notice when they later macro-dose it with lead.

Example: “The entire college campus was so high on Universal Pre-K they decided to permanently cancel the concept of brunch.”


When you use your mom’s garden hose to blast the period stain from your favorite pair of panties because you really don’t want to keep buying more underwear.

Example: “She aimed the pantyhose at her favorite undies, not caring that her stepfather, Craig, watched approvingly from the window of his second-story bedroom.”