COSTELLO: Look here, Super Tuesday is coming up and I need to know who is running in the Democratic Primary so I can make an informed decision!

ABBOTT: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know the mainstream media doesn’t like progressives? They give them funny names. It’s hard to keep track!

COSTELLO: Whaddya mean, funny names? Just tell me who’s winning!

ABBOTT: Who’s in first, Buttigieg is in second, I Don’t Know is in third, Amy is doing very well, and Bloomberg is surging!

COSTELLO: Oh, wow! Bloomberg is surging! Amy’s doing very well! But wait, who’s in first?

ABBOTT: I said Who’s in first, Buttigieg is in second, and I Don’t Know’s in third.

COSTELLO: Are you a pollster?


COSTELLO: Right, then who is in first?

ABBOTT: Bloomberg is surging!

COSTELLO: Is he in first?

ABBOTT: Buttigieg is in second!

COSTELLO: Please, just tell me the name of the candidate in first!


COSTELLO: I don’t know!

ABBOTT: No, no she’s in third!

COSTELLO: She? Who’s she?

ABBOTT: No! Who’s a he! Who’s in first, that’s a man, but I Don’t Know is in third and that’s a lady!


ABBOTT: … is in first!

COSTELLO: Just tell me his name, say his name!


COSTELLO: The name of the man in first?


COSTELLO: You don’t know?

ABBOTT: I Don’t Know? She’s in third!


ABBOTT: No, she’s doing very well, I Don’t Know is in third.

COSTELLO: OK, but Buttigieg is in second?

ABBOTT: You got it.

COSTELLO: Then just tell me who is in first and who is in third.

ABBOTT: Yes, Who is in first, but he can’t be in third, too. People keep forgetting to include her, but I Don’t Know is in third.

COSTELLO: I just want to know everyone’s name. Why do you keep changing the names of Who’s in first—

ABBOTT: That’s it!

COSTELLO: And who is in third?

ABBOTT: No, no, I told you! I Don’t Know!

COSTELLO: Oh! I think I got it! So you’re telling me, going into Super Tuesday, Buttigieg is in second, Amy is doing very well, and Bloomberg is surging. And then the progressives, Who and I Don’t Know, are in first and third?

ABBOTT: That’s it! The progressives, you know, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.


ABBOTT: I Don’t Know!