ADAM: Out of all of the seasons I’ve experienced during several days of existence, this is definitely my favorite! What should we call it when it’s that time of year when leaves fall down?
EVE: How about “fall”?
ADAM: I know, “autumn”! That makes sense!
[EVE mutters something in frustration.]
ADAM: Did you say something? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of all the new words I was thinking in my head, like “acorn” and “pumpkin.” One day I’ll figure out what they mean. Something autumnal, probably. That’s another word I just made up. Autumnal.
EVE: Sure, Adam. Fine.
ADAM: Not to change the subject from our tenuous relationship built entirely on divine intervention, but wow would you look at those trees over there! Something is telling me that the most autumnal thing to do right now is to pick their fruit.
EVE: I don’t know…
ADAM: And when I say “pick fruit,” I mean, like, a lot of fruit.
EVE: I’m pretty sure God told us not to go near those trees.
ADAM: How can God not want us to experience all of the wonders of autumn? Come on, it’ll be fun! We’ll pick some, we’ll eat some, we’ll pick some more, we’ll eat some more, and then we’ll pick way too many, get home, and realize that we have 100 pieces of fruit.
EVE: But then we’ll just have a bunch of slowly rotting fruit.
ADAM: It’ll be so autumnal! We’ll feel obligated to eat them because we picked them, so we’ll slowly try to consume them before they go bad, and in the distant future, when we feel completely bloated, we’ll bake the leftovers into a variety of pastries with a mysterious substance I’ll call “cinnamon.”
GOD: HEY GUYS, IT’S ME, GOD, THE MANAGER OF THE ORCHARD AND ALSO THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. I’VE GOT TO ASK YOU TO NOT TO PICK THE APPLES. THEY’RE NOT FOR PICKING. STAY ON THE OTHER PARTS OF THE FARM, PLEASE. YOU CAN PICK THE SQUASH.
ADAM: Hi, God!
EVE: See? We’re not supposed to pick those fruits.
ADAM: How do we know that those fruits are “apples”? An apple could be anything.
EVE: Context clues, Adam!
ADAM: Eve, Eve, Eve. I’ve been alive for one more day than you. I’ve been around the block. I think I’d know an apple if I saw one.
EVE: They’re obviously apples. There’s even a holy sign that just magically appeared next to them that says, BEHOLD, APPLES.
ADAM: Who knows for sure?
EVE: It’s glowing with heavenly light.
ADAM: Maybe you’re right. Anyway, my point is that, now that it’s autumn, I have an irresistible urge to pick this fruit.
GOD: HEY GUYS, ME AGAIN. GOD. JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU TO NOT PICK THE APPLES. GO ON A HAYRIDE INSTEAD.
EVE: Come on, Adam, there are lots of other things we can do that are seasonal that don’t involve apples. How about we walk through that maze of dry grass that has been bundled together and stacked up to form walls?
ADAM: Well, in my brief but eventful life I’ve learned that compromise is the key to any successful relationship, so I guess we’ll do your thing.
[They enter the maze.]
EVE: See, isn’t this nice?
ADAM: I’ll admit, there is something pleasant about this. There’s a cool breeze in the air, the trees are changing color. If we weren’t naked, I’d be wearing a sweater right now. Maybe even a scarf.
ADAM: The only thing that would make this experience better would be if we had a giant mug of apple cider. Maybe with a donut.
EVE: What’s a donut?
ADAM: If I’m being honest, Eve, most of the things that come out of my mouth are empty, meaningless sounds, because I like to hear myself talk even though I have nothing substantial to say. Wow, that was dark. Let’s talk about apples!
EVE: We’re supposed to be staying away from the apples!
ADAM: I want to pick them! It’s autumn!
EVE: Adam, I swear to God—
GOD: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO PICK THE APPLES.
ADAM: But they look so tasty!
EVE: I bet apples aren’t even good! See? I’ll show you! I’ll try one right now! News flash: it’s terrible.
SERPENT: Well, that’s because you had a Red Delicious.