Harvard: I would shiv someone to answer a question in class.

Yale: I wrote a Pulitzer-nominated play about the time I shivved someone to answer a question in class.

Princeton: I’ve structured a derivative, the Shiv Swap, whose price reflects the probability that a given shivving is successful in allowing one to answer a question in class.

Brown: We must ensure equal distribution of shivs across all socio-economic strata of American society.

Cornell: GO BIG RED.

Dartmouth: I made a shiv out of granola and ice.

Vermont: I made a shiv out of weed. And then smoked it. Sorry, what was the question?

Georgetown: I move for the establishment of a joint faculty-student committee to examine the question of whether it is in the state’s interest to allow shivvers to answer questions in class.

American: Seconded.

Georgetown: Shut up, American.

Stanford: I just closed a seed round for my startup, Shivvr, a social media platform/lifestyle brand that allows users to collect a percentage of the credit — the “answer convenience fee” — for all questions answered in class.

MIT: I invented digital shivs.

Florida State: I don’t know why we’re, like, talking about shivs? I just wanted to major in marketing and party.

Duke: My great-great-granddaddy owned a shiv planta—I mean, worked in business.

Notre Dame: I’ve got surprisingly conservative Catholic views on the morality of shivving to answer questions in class.

Providence: Me too.

Boston College: Not me!

Holy Cross: I spend Wednesday afternoons volunteering at a shivving survivors home. Thursdays I drink. I’m majoring in liberation shivving. And Pre-Med — thanks, Dr. Fauci!

Amherst: I shivved someone just to get in here.

Williams: I shivved an Amherst applicant just to get in here.

UT Austin: I’m for the concealed carry of shivs on campus.

UC Berkeley: I started a student group to protest the alarming shivving rate among students from privileged backgrounds. I also like nuclear engineering. Go figure.

UW Madison: What Berkeley said, but with way more dairy cows and beer.

OSU: Fuck Michigan.

Michigan: I’m majoring in one of the country’s often-overlooked but overall best value-for-money programs in Shivving Studies. Also, fuck OSU.

BYU: What’s a shiv?