“Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen will be leaving her position, and I would like to thank her for her service….” — @realDonaldTrump, 4/7/19

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No, the Chief Arbiter of Pain-Bliss isn’t mad at her, per se; we all know his lines between anger, lust, and ennui are generally pretty blurry. On the contrary, our Lord thanks Lady Misery for her centuries of hard work within the Lament Configuration, but he also knows when it is time to part ways. While initially lockstep in their approach to ultimate and unconditional human suffering, their working relationship grew strained over the past few projects. At the end of the day, the two Hellscape clergy members couldn’t see eye-to-eye on the exact definition and action plan of “defilement,” and that is why Lady Misery is leaving the Cenobite Order.

The Hierophant Herself came to us after her original human form unwittingly opened the Puzzle Box many lifetimes ago, and while she was already an impressively base and evil creature to begin with — a particularly cruel Eastern European Duchess of some kind — she surprised us all with how quickly she acclimated to overseeing our clients’ many beautiful torments. She was the deformed face of so many classic endeavors that the very name “Lady Misery” became synonymous with excruciating, extra-dimensional perversions that began to rival those of Pinhead’s. There’s no denying her innate talent to instill abject horror in men, women, and children alike.

But despite numerous discussions and back-and-forths, the Lady could not seem to wrap her head around defilement extending beyond the physical as well as mental realms, and into more ephemeral, spiritual environments — which, of course, has been our Cenobite-in-Chief’s overall longterm goal since the very beginning. She joined our Bastard Commune rather late in our legacy, so Pinhead assumed it might take her longer than others when it came to catching on to our particular brand of sado-masochism and psycho-sexual mockery. In the end, it appears that Lady Misery did not feel comfortable with rending apart the very souls of those who unleashed the Lament Configuration upon themselves, and that is where the two Cenobites disagreed. Pinhead feels that without soiling the humans’ very essences, then we are simply not being as effective in our capacities for wanton, decadent brutality. And so, our Cenobite Pope feels it is time for Lady Misery to pursue the depraved blasphemies of both pleasure and pain elsewhere to allow for a daemon completely unfettered by any lingering humanity to take her place.

Pinhead wishes the Madame well in her future crusades of exquisite torment, but understands we must all be on the same page when it comes to moving forward in our Infernal Crusade. He is looking to fill the vacancy immediately with an acting director — possibly the Chatterer, the Wire Twins, or Kris Kobach.