“Baby, we were born to run”
Or walk, depending on my knee.

“Dancing in the dark”
If I’m dancing, this is the only lighting that makes sense.

“Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?”
Or just any responsible adult? If I could drop my kids off for a playdate I could get to the dentist for the first time in five years.

“This train is for losers and winners”
One for “loser,” please. Is there a frequent-rider discount?

“You ain’t a beauty, but hey you’re all right”
Biggest compliment I’ve received in a decade.

“Meet me in the city”
Or hear me out: Wanna just go to P. F. Chang’s in the mall?

“Is that you, baby, or just a brilliant disguise?”
Um, it’s obviously me, but my hair is graying… ? Rude.

“I’ll drive all night again just to buy you some shoes”
Update: There’s a DSW a mile from my house. I’ll give you an hour.

“Prove it all night”
I will only be proving it until 10 p.m. sharp, Boss.

“Time slips by leaves you with nothing mister but boring stories of—”
This is the longest song I’ve ever heard. Can we get to the hook already? My Kohl’s Cash is expiring.

“It’s hard to be a saint in the city”
Replace “be a saint” with “find a parking spot.”

“Everybody’s got a hungry heart”
That’s why my doctor prescribed a statin.

“There’s a darkness on the edge of town”
Like, out by the Talbots?

“Meet me tonight in Atlantic City”
Oooh, is Darius Rucker playing the Borgata?

“Nothing matters in this whole wide world when you’re in love with a Jersey girl”
Not to get hyper-forty on you, but this isn’t technically a Springsteen song.

“My car’s out back if you’re ready to take that lo-o-ong walk”
Exactly how long is the walk? Remember—my knee.

“From your front porch to my front seat”
Phew, okay. Then I’m ready.

“Rosalita, jump a little higher”
Low-impact aerobics only, please.

“I was bruised and battered. I couldn’t tell what I felt. I was unrecognizable to myself”
Yes! (Did I write this? I feel like I wrote this.)

“Meet me at Mary’s place. We’re gonna have a party”
Ugh. What time’s it end?

“Oh, oh, oh, I’m on fire”
It’s a hot flash.

“Santa Claus is comin’ to town”