Dear Teacher,

While I’m sure you’re busy stockpiling food and medicine, protecting your own family, and coping with the impending end of civilization as we know it, I wanted to ask — can you please send my son some more worksheets so that he doesn’t fall behind grade-level standards?

We are here desperately trying to balance our own end-of-the-world planning with ensuring sufficient attention to all of the common core benchmarks, and I think it’s absolutely critical that before the food supply dries up and we no longer have access to clean water, my son can effectively multiply fractions with different denominators and identify the passive voice in a short nonfiction passage.

I am extremely concerned that he will not be in the highest reading group for his age when we get to the afterlife following a gruesome, painful demise thanks to the lack of enough medical supplies and hospital beds — so a new list of spelling words is really beyond necessary by the end of the day, and if you could include some prompts for expository writing exercises, that would be great, too.

I know there may be more important things than learning about the life cycle of a butterfly, particularly when we’re never going to be able to go outside again, but I’m also quite concerned about the lack of attention to science in our new online learning environment, and I must insist that before the riots begin in the streets, you send us some handouts about the three different types of rocks.

We’re still waiting for a grade on my son’s poem about the start of spring as well, so if you can get to that before the financial system completes its epic collapse, that would be appreciated. I want to advocate for a higher grade on his diorama, but I suppose I can wait to discuss that until we’re on our way to the underground bunkers.

I’m also a little frustrated by the lack of individualized instruction and differentiated assignments, particularly since I know your neighborhood hasn’t been evacuated yet, so I’m sure you have the time.

I appreciate your prompt attention to my concerns. Happy to have a quick phone call about keeping my son performing at his best once my fever breaks and I’m back to breathing on my own again.

Bobby’s Dad