Adam - First man; stood five-foot-six, which was pretty tall back then
Altar - Desk, but holy
Apostles - Twelve weirdo outcasts who bought into the idea that compassion is good
Bethlehem - Birthplace of Jesus and also millions of unimpressive people
Bible - Colloquially known as the “Good Book,” this is either a collection of moral allegories or a literal, exhaustive history of the physical world. It’s kind of up in the air.
Bishop - Bigger priest
Calvary - Place of Jesus’ crucifixion; not the thing where a soldier is on a horse
Communion - Where children are taught that drinking wine is O.K. as long as the wine is also blood
Confession - Ritual in which you tell the priest all the evil things you intend to do
Crucifixion - A brutal form of capital punishment that provides the visual symbol for the entire Christian religion. “Why not the manger?” you might be asking. “The manger has just as much to do with Jesus as the cross, and it’s way less terrifying.” We don’t know what to tell you. The decision was made a long time ago.
Easter - This holiday — which celebrates a man’s rising from the dead — wasn’t scary enough at first, so they added a six-foot rabbit
Eden - Paradise into which humanity was birthed, but the rent there is just out of control now
Eve - Adam’s wife, whose decision to eat the forbidden fruit continues to justify the wage gap
Exodus - Story of Moses’ liberation of the Jewish people from slavery, although many argue that it’s actually about states’ rights
Genesis - The part of the Bible where God makes pufferfish
God - Also called the Father; creator of Heaven, Earth, and GameCube
Good Friday - Holiday that was named at a time when there were only three adjectives
Hail Mary - An ill-advised football play
Heaven - Sky kingdom where the pious go after death, and where the line to meet Shakespeare is currently eight months long
Hell - Pit of eternal torment where temperatures can reach up to 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit
Holy Grail - Could probably refer to any cup Jesus ever drank from, when you think about it
Holy Spirit - A sort of helper ghost
Jesus Christ - Son of God. Known for preaching a message of peace, tolerance, and love. His life ended predictably.
Joseph - Jesus’ less impressive dad
Judas - Played by Harvey Keitel in The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)
Last Supper - Gathering at which the least-senior apostle kept having to run out for more wine
Manger - Hay-filled box; they put Jesus in one of these when he was born, and he insisted on sleeping in them well into adulthood
Mary Magdalene - Fictional character made popular by Dan Brown
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John - A barbershop quartet that followed Jesus around even though he didn’t ask them to and wished that they wouldn’t
New Testament - Series of writings that are 2,000 years old
Old Testament - Source of God’s reputation for having anger issues
Pew - Bench, but worse
Pontius Pilate - Murderous, unimpressive stooge who really has no business being this famous
Priest - God’s stand-in; allowed to smoke, but it’s weird if they do
Psalm - Gross misspelling of “poem”
Pulpit - Small, raised enclosure to protect priest from the hordes of shrieking teen girls who invariably sit in the front row
Purgatory - Where you will almost certainly end up
Revelation - The final and most awesome book of the Bible. Featuring a seven-eyed lamb and four horsemen of destruction, it was tacked on as a reward for reading everything that came before it.
Satan - Angel whose unsuccessful attempts to unionize led to his permanent expulsion from Heaven; reason for evil
Sermon - Part where the priest tells you what ballot measures to support
Snake - Deceptive, talking land-eel
Sodom and Gomorrah - Cities whose fate informs roughly eighty percent of America’s current political discourse
Stained glass - Technological advancement that forever solved the problem of windows’ transparency
Virgin Mary - Jesus’ mother; with her, the tradition began of women having no say over what happens to their bodies