A Christmas Carol

Ebenezer Scrooge asks the Ghost of Christmas Future to reveal the exact sites of Amazon HQ2 buildings so he can buy up the nearest luxury condos. The Cratchits crowdfund $60,000 for Tiny Tim’s medical expenses, but their GoFundMe campaign gets shut down when it’s discovered that they made up his illness to drive clicks to their fledgling YouTube channel.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

The Grinch launches an Initial Coin Offering for GiftCoin, a cryptocurrency that moves gift-giving to the blockchain and enables anonymous, decentralized gift exchanges. Little Cindy Lou’s cries of “Santy Claus, why would we possibly need this financial innovation?” go ignored as every Who in Whoville opens a Bitcoin wallet to buy into the ICO.

Miracle on 34th Street

When Kris Kringle becomes entangled in a workplace dispute, Macy’s fires him immediately since Santa Claus is a gig economy contractor with no union or wrongful termination rights.

A Christmas Story

All nine-year-old Ralphie wants for Christmas is a $1,449 512GB red iPhone XS Max, despite his mother, his teacher, and the department store Santa all warning him, “You’ll strain your eyes out!” Ralphie’s parents eventually relent and buy him one, on the condition he wears prescription blue light blocking glasses when he’s playing Fortnite.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

After discovering that a rare hormone disorder is the cause of Rudolph’s lit-up nose, pharmaceutical executives exploit his genetic code to develop a men’s virility drug. They market their new wonder drug through sleigh-side ads and Buzzfeed-branded content — a pack of pills costs $699 and arrives monthly in Instagram-friendly boxes.

Home Alone

Kevin McAllister finds himself home alone for the holidays, though he’s able to simulate festive human gatherings by wirelessly interacting with his Echo, Nest, Philips Hue, and Juicero. When he gets into trouble for gleefully catfishing two lonely ex-cons, Kevin’s parents can’t get home to help him sooner because their Basic Economy tickets prohibit any flight changes.

Home Alone 2

Largely the same plot, but Donald Trump is involved for some reason.

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty melts because society treats climate change as an unpriced negative externality for which polluters can pretend to develop market-based solutions while rejecting regulatory intervention. Frosty’s coal eyes are put in the stockings of children whose parents lobbied against the Paris Climate Accord.

It’s a Wonderful Life

After failing to negotiate a line of asset-backed credit, an underqualified mortgage banker considers suicide to avoid facing his arrest for financial malfeasance. (No updates required.)