The Joe Biden School of Apology is America’s premier university for the study of phantom accountability. That’s why our motto is Numquam in Culpa Es (“You are never at fault”). Alumni include celebrities, politicians, CEOs, and every single one of your exes.
Thousands of people have received a BS Apology from Joe Biden.
Below you will find some of our course offerings for the upcoming term. Please note that if your application is lost, belittled, dismissed, or otherwise gets an unfair shake from a bunch of white guys, well… we wish that hadn’t happened, and we think it’s a shame that that’s the way things unfolded.
Deflection & Redirection: Innovations in Repentant Oratory
Students learn how to skirt around culpability like Arya Stark in a library full of White Walkers; to express a deep — but broad and nebulous — sense of regret; and to deftly, almost ironically weave the “S” word into discourse without ever taking ownership of their actions.
Prerequisite: ENGL 104: Verbal Gymnastics
Shaving Your Agency Down into Powder
Using the linguistic carpentry skills they acquired at level 1, students will whittle their sense of agency down to a nub, before grinding their remaining influence to dust and dumping it out an Amtrak window. This will allow even immensely powerful white men to say things like, “I wish I could’ve done something,” while wearing the Masks of Concern they made in ART 103.
Prerequisite: ART/PSYC 103: Mask-Making as Meaning-Making
Cartesian Contrition: Do I Even Exist?
Were you even there? Was that even you? Do you even exist? In this class, we will explore Descartes’ concept of existence and its application to modern apology theory as it pertains to the embodiment of self. Using Clintonian semantics as a starting point, we will deconstruct the phrase “It depends what the meaning of ‘I’ is” and its implications for personal responsibility (or lack thereof).
Prerequisite: PHIL 111: Introduction to Unethical Morality
Visual Representations of Near-Remorse
This course explores the power and potential of apology art. Students will scrutinize remorse narratives conveyed across various social and traditional media, and analyze the subtle differences that make or break an apology tour (e.g., poor audio quality might seem like a poor choice — until one considers that the viewer can’t hear all of the apologizer’s equivocating).
Prerequisite: DRAM 101: Introduction to Acting
The Power of 28 Years from Now
Discover how to build anticipation for an apology — and to realize its deconstruction — by postponing its delivery for 25 to 30 years. This delay may seem callous, even cruel, but it allows time to shape and streamline the apology until it achieves peak aerodynamic hollowness.
Prerequisite: HIST 301: Great Non-Apologies of the 21st Century
Big Vic Energy
Sympathetic energy cannot be created or destroyed, but it can be transferred from one person to another. Using the First Law of Thermodynamics, students will shift sympathy from their victims to themselves (perhaps by portraying themselves as casualties of “evolving norms”). Because the amount of energy must remain constant, it is in one’s best interest to shift as much sympathy to their side as possible, and then to conserve it even under intense pressure.
Prerequisite: PSYC 211: I’m Sorry You’re Upset: The Empathy of Apology
Laughing to Keep Them Crying
Apologizing for problematic behavior can be a real drag. Learn how to lighten the mood with a few out-of-touch zingers that trivialize how countless women feel on a daily basis. What better way to say “I hear you” than by drowning out your victims with cheap laughter?
Prerequisite: MUSI 211: The Tones They Are a-Deafenin’
Neurobiology of Faux Forgetfulness
This course will investigate the role of synaptic plasticity and neurogenesis in feigned forgetfulness. By utilizing the vocabulary of lapsed memory, students will perfect techniques for communicating that they cannot recall, say, writing and enacting disastrous mass incarceration policies. They will also wrestle with the essential question, “How much can I pretend I forgot before people think I am too incompetent to do my job?”
Prerequisite: BIOL 301: Adaptive Evolution and the Sociopath
Activating the Passive Voice
Students will learn to manipulate verbs — and people — through the magic of the passive voice. This course reframes the concept of agency and presents actions as events that occur spontaneously, without any human involvement whatsoever. In the laboratory component, students practice talking about their own experiences without using any first person singular pronouns. After all, there is no “I” in apology.
Prerequisite: PHIL/PHYS 335: The Absolution of Chaos Theory
What Is “Personal Space,” Anyway?
Seriously, can’t a guy make a connection?