May you have to urgently pee any time a cat finally settles on your lap.
May you be forced to attend every improv show you’re invited to.
Scourge upon your Instagram! May you always be roped into taking group photos and never be in them. If someone takes a cute photo of you may they never upload it or forget to tag you.
May you get an unrelated text the second you try to remember an important thing you’re supposed to be doing.
A death blow to your dreams! Your relatives will go dead silent when you tell them something in your life you’re excited about. They’ll light up with hope when you tell them something that you hate but looks good on paper.
May you pack for a long outdoorsy weekend and forget your toothbrush. No, there is not a CVS nearby. This is New Hampshire — we talked about this.
May your online shopping be ugly, made from a strange material, and not at all like the picture from the website.
I blight your succulents!
May you spend $80 on energy crystals only to realize that the energy is from ill-gotten, unethically sourced crystals with horrific mining conditions. May all your friends read the article about it, so you can’t display them without feeling like a sack of shit.
May all your automatic payments occur on the same random day of the month.
A pestilence up your crushes! May they all leave their read receipts on, and may they only respond with “lol k.” When you press for more conversation, may they turn into spooky ghosts who regularly shit post on Facebook.
May you sign up for an awful subscription service that is nearly impossible to get out of. May it be so annoying to cancel that you never leave, and it just keeps charging you money.
An affliction on your social media! Your well-crafted Twitter jokes will get meager pity faves, and the way too real truths about how sad your life is will go viral.
May the mediocre but perfectly nice person you went to school with find wild success. May you always say, “I’m happy for them,” but grind your teeth at night.
Bane upon your Tinder profile! From now until eternity all your matches will wear fedoras at a jaunty angle and use the word “doggo” sincerely. May your first dates always consist of playing Settlers of Catan with their boring-ass RPG gamer friends. May they all invite you home to have a threesome with the terrible ex they’re still living with.
Doom upon your commute! May your train cars always smell like piss, and if they’re empty may the air conditioner be irreparably damaged.
A ghoul plagues your mobile device! May an acquaintance keep sending you multiple texts messages in a row without waiting for you to reply. May you be so overwhelmed that you’re too terrified to open the messages in the first place. May there be more every time you check.
May you begrudgingly share your Hulu account with a sibling who watches the same series as you only at a slightly faster pace and totally loses your place. May this cause minor spoilers that frustrate you to no end.
A trap! May there be something slightly off in your partner’s demeanor, and when you ask them what’s up may they just say “nothing” and start playing Mitski.
Wealth drain! Your most unreliable friend will cash out six months of your Venmo transactions at once with no warning.
May you sink too much money and time into your education, only to realize you hate your chosen career path, but you have to work in it anyway to pay off your debts.
May you and your friends have to “raincheck” your catchup drinks until the end of time.
Withering upon your visage! May you be horrified by your body’s response to the aging process, but not enough to exercise more, stop drinking, or to cut out processed meats.
May you be forced to hang out with a cyclist, a zero-waste vegan, or both.
Malediction upon your workplace! May all your favorite coworkers quit before you and leave you to die with Gary from Accounting.
Abjuration to your sense of style! Every time you wear an outfit you like to a formal event, may your mom say, “That’s what you’re wearing?” When you take her suggestions, may your friends say, “That’s what you’re wearing?”
Anathema to your icons! May you get a tattoo you love but are forced to explain to everyone you meet until you start to resent it.
Malison to your friend group! One of your close friends is going to start dating a girl named Malison. She’s terrible. You’ll understand later.