Aristotle: Believes everyone else in his pod is either too cautious or too reckless.

Mill: Studiously reads economists’ SSRN preprints to form opinions on which businesses should and shouldn’t be reopened.

Pythagoras: Takes hydroxychloroquine.

Plato: Frequently observes that none of the models correspond to reality.

Augustine: Is extremely well-read on the official guidelines; ignores all of them.

Kant: Can follow CDC guidelines without having to change a single habit.

Arendt: Talks often about how banal life under shutdown orders is.

Maimonides: Keeps track of guidelines with an ever-growing list of things he isn’t supposed to do.

Barcan Marcus: Somehow comes to the conclusion that everyone who can get COVID will get COVID.

Leibniz: Is still skeptical of person-to-person transmission.

Parmenides: Is adamant that the virus will never mutate.

Heraclitus: Recovers from COVID but keeps getting reinfected with variants.

Zeno: Gets long COVID.

Socrates: Wanders around the city to find people to argue with about CDC guidelines. Stands way too close while talking and is charged with being a superspreader.

Kierkegaard: Is always already wearing a mask.

Hegel: Predicts glumly that the vaccine will only arrive just as herd immunity is naturally acquired.

Hume: Prefers that the whole world get COVID rather than miss his spin class.

Anscombe: Thinks a lot of activities are still permissible so long as you are not doing them with the aim of spreading COVID.

Schopenhauer: Despite taking all necessary precautions, gives COVID to a casual acquaintance, who experiences no major symptoms. Decides it would be better never to have been born.

Locke: Has literally nothing interesting to say.

Russell: Works at a COVID testing site administering nasal swabs to all and only people who can’t administer the swabs themselves.

Camus: Writes a novel.

Nietzsche: Would redo 2020 in a heartbeat.