Final Exam
Poli Sci 401
Yale University,
Jackson School of Global Affairs
Professor Howard Dean

Part I (50 points) – multiple choice

1. Which of these public utterances would immediately end a candidate’s presidential ambitions?

A. “I want to be a dictator.”

B. “If [she] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

C. “YEEEAAAAAWW!!!”

2. Each of the following moves would consolidate a candidate’s base, except:

A. Expressing agreement with the great replacement theory

B. Expressing solidarity with the Proud Boys and January 6 insurrectionists

C. Expressing enthusiasm, which was a big no-no in 2004 Iowa, apparently

3. Which violation of American values would cause the electorate to doubt the candidate’s fitness for the presidency?

A. Violating the human rights of families by tearing children away from their parents at the border

B. Violating the bodies of twenty-six women

C. Violating the unspoken decibel limit on cheering at an event meant for cheering, which is definitely a good rule that applies equally to everyone

4. If exposed to the public, which revelations would instantly decimate campaign fundraising?

A. The candidate being caught with boxes full of state secrets next to their toilet

B. The candidate being caught sleeping with a porn star just after his wife had a baby

C. The candidate being caught up in a moment, just a fleeting moment, which at the time seemed normal, not the end of everything the candidate had ever worked for since the candidate was twelve

5. Which of the following statements warrants being aired 633 times by national news outlets in a span of four days?

A. “They’re poisoning the blood of our country.”

B. “Laziness is a trait in Blacks.”

C. “YEEEAAAAAWW!!!”

6. Which of the following audio recordings would be so damaging that it becomes a years-long political meme and defines the candidate for the rest of their life?

A. A recording where the candidate extorts Ukraine for election assistance

B. A recording where the candidate brags about grabbing women “by the pussy”

C. A recording where the mics picked up the candidate but not the roar of the crowd, which, if you were there, was really loud and made screaming much more normal in context, actually

7. Which action would cause an immediate, double-digit drop in the polls?

A. Starting a movement to hang the vice president

B. Starting a coup d’etat attempt against the United States of America

C. Starting to say “yee-haw” because it felt so right after rattling off the upcoming state primaries, but then realizing halfway through the first syllable that, dammit Howard, someone from Vermont can’t pull off “yee-haw,” and then panicking and switching to “yeah!” or “yay!” all at once, but it was too late and a lump in your throat made it come out like the death knell of a tortured bobcat

8. True or False: It makes perfect sense that the twenty-five-year abortion record of the presidential candidate who ended Roe v. Wade has less Wikipedia content than the three-second audio record of a candidate who just, you know, was pumped up in the face of a setback in the Iowa caucuses, so pumped that he lost control of his body in a burst of unvarnished optimism:

A. True

B. False

C. There has not been a difference between truth and falsehood, right and wrong, or sanity and insanity since early 2004

9. Which charges would provoke widespread calls to suspend a campaign?

A. Being charged in New York with thirty-four felony counts for covering up sex with a porn star

B. Being charged in Florida with forty felony counts for stealing state secrets and lying to the FBI

C. Being charged in Georgia with ten felony counts for conspiring to steal an election

D. Being charged in DC with four felony counts for trying to stop the electoral vote certification in Congress in order to seize power from the lawful president-elect, Joe Biden, in violation of the US Constitution and the peaceful transfer of power

E. Being charged with all eighty-eight felony counts above, all in a five-month period

F. Being charged with a zeal to oppose the invasion of Iraq and establish universal health care, which looks pretty good these days if you ask some people but was apparently too sincere for the petty, vindictive shitheads who actually vote in this country.

10. Which of the following statements would make voters question a presidential candidate’s mental capacity?

A. “HAPPY EASTER TO ALL, INCLUDING CROOKED AND CORRUPT PROSECUTORS AND JUDGES THAT ARE DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO INTERFERE WITH THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2024, AND PUT ME IN PRISON, INCLUDING THOSE MANY PEOPLE THAT I COMPLETELY & TOTALLY DESPISE BECAUSE THEY WANT TO DESTROY AMERICA, A NOW FAILING NATION, LIKE ‘DERANGED’ JACK SMITH, WHO IS EVIL AND ‘SICK,’ MRS. FANI ‘FAUNI’ WADE, WHO SAID SHE HARDLY KNEW THE ‘SPECIAL’ PROSECUTOR, ONLY TO FIND THAT HE SPENT YEARS ‘LOVING’ HER, LONG BEFORE THE GEORGIA PERSECUTION OF PRESIDENT TRUMP BEGAN (AND THEREBY MAKING THE CASE AGAINST ME NULL, VOID, AND ILLEGAL!), AND LAZY ON VIOLENT CRIME ALVIN BRAGG WHO, WITH CROOKED JOE’S DOJ THUGS, UNFAIRLY WORKING IN THE D.A.’s OFFICE, ILLEGALLY INDICTED ME ON A CASE HE NEVER WANTED TO BRING AND VIRTUALLY ALL LEGAL SCHOLARS SAY IS A CASE THAT SHOULD NOT BE BROUGHT, IS BREAKING THE LAW IN DOING SO (POMERANTZ!), WAS TURNED DOWN BY ALL OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES, AND IS NOT A CRIME. HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!”

B. “YEEEAAAAAWW!!!”

Part 2 – Essay (50,000 pts)

Write a twenty-five-page essay on the following question:

Does anything even matter?