These days, keeping your sweater puppies appropriately supported can run between $50-100 a boob. In this cruel world full of gravity and trampolines, you really can’t afford not to whack dudes who shrink those precious mammary trays. He may have offered to pay for new bras, but now he must pay with his life instead. Here’s where to stash the evidence.
1. Under the bushes
Behind the back hedge is the perfect spot to ditch his remains. But make sure the neighbor’s dog doesn’t get into the yard and dig him up. The last thing you need is to be wearing that boob smasher under an orange jumpsuit in a ladies’ big house.
2. The walk-in freezer in the garage
This is a good way to preserve him until the ground thaws next Spring. Plus, you can still dance with his corpse when you’re lonely instead of that pillow you prop up in the front seat in the High Occupancy Vehicle Lane.
3. The river downtown
The two of you used to take walks over the bridge together, hand in hand, firm guy chest aside well-supported bosom, but not anymore. It would have been easy to hurl that heavy contractor bag over the bridge railing if only you’d had the proper frontal support. Too bad you’re all chafed up by the underwire gouging you through shrunken fabric. Bombs away!
4. A snowbank somewhere off the highway
Let someone else find him. You’ve done the world a favor, ridding it of a man who callously puts synthetic fabric foundation garments in the dryer. Upon discovery of his body, any sane person will draw the likely conclusion that he’s a bra-shrinker, and therefore deserving of a roadside burial.
5. In the shed
It’s not ideal, but it will do until you find a better place. And you can guard it like a hawk since you won’t be leaving the house until your new bra arrives. That’s right: bra. As in, singular. It’ll be years before you build up your stash again. You can ponder garnishing your retirement fund for shapewear as you scowl in contempt at the shed, which ironically, you are only now inclined to start calling a “man shed.”