Sometimes I think the whole damn world has gone crazy. Our country is changing into a place I can barely recognize. Inevitably, this brings us to the invisible hand of nefarious billionaire philanthropist George Soros. This crypto-Zionist has spent decades controlling the global economy, teaching crisis actors the Meissner technique, and mailing himself pipe bombs just to disrespect our flag stamps.

But yesterday, that sick son of a bitch went too far. That’s right: George Soros paid a bee to sting me. It’s the only explanation that makes sense other than that I was throwing rocks at a beehive. Ordinarily, bees don’t sting me, but this time one did. So I think it’s pretty clear who bankrolled their stingers.

What’s more, Soros got me fired for watching scary porn at work. He’s the puppetmaster pulling the strings that held my sweatpants up. And make no mistake: Things are only going to get worse once the migrant Bangbus he funded arrives with thousands of El Salvadorian MILFs. How am I supposed to behave in a socially appropriate way then?!

While part of me blames myself for plowing into that Duane Reade after getting drunk at the Eagles game, a much bigger part blames George Soros for not taking my keys. Why would he let me rent a car in the first place?! My credit is terrible and I have a long history of drunkenly plowing into things!

Every day I don’t get punched is a miracle.

George Soros needs to be held accountable for my actions. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to take a good hard look in the mirror. The mirror he installed to make me feel bad about gaining 40 pounds in the last six months. God, I’ve gotten fat because of him.

But let’s face it: George Soros is an older guy and he won’t be around forever. So unless you have a hard-on for critical thinking, it’s important to have a backup villain ready to go. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’m going with Jackie Chan.

Think about it: Minority? Check. Willingness to incite violence? He hit a dude with a pool cue in Rush Hour! Global influence? Why don’t you ask the tattoo of his face that’s on my German wife’s tit? Enough talk. Let’s give this bad boy a test drive and see how she handles: Jackie Chan is the reason I’m not allowed in Canada, not the endangered moose I punched.

Yeah, that feels right.

So what can Jackie Chan or George Soros or anyone besides me do to make my bitter, unfulfilling existence more tolerable? Well, for starters, they could direct the global order to create a hair-growth medication that works for my scalp type. I’ve blown thousands on Rogaine, Propecia, and magic beans I bought from an old man in a forest. Since they’re the ones that made baldness run in my family, it’s up to them to grow me S-curls.

Also, they should help me establish an Aryan ethno-state to fight back against white genocide. That’d be swell.