We’re so happy you will be able to attend Jeremiah’s first birthday party. It’s hard to believe it’s been a whole year since he came into our lives. We can’t wait to celebrate him with all our family and friends! Before we do, however, please be aware of the following guidelines.

1. As you may have heard, Jeremiah has a sensitive constitution and is prone to infection. With that in mind, we won’t allow anybody to come into direct physical contact with him. Some might say that’s being overprotective, but we’re only trying to do what’s best for our boy.

2. As an added safeguard, we ask that all guests shower before they arrive. We’re sure you’re very hygienic, but we feel it’s imperative to take every precaution. There will also be Purell stations located in each room of our house. Please disinfect your hands upon entering and exiting a room.

3. Goggles will be handed out to every guest upon arrival. Be sure to wear them at all times. This may seem a little extreme, but the goggles are just as much for your protection as they are for Jeremiah’s. Jeremiah’s digestive system is still adjusting to solid foods, and, as a result, he sometimes suffers from projectile vomiting. It’s pretty intense. If by chance he should have an episode, we ask all guests to cover their heads with provided hairnets and softly sing “If You Could Read My Mind” by Gordon Lightfoot. Jeremiah finds that song very soothing. We’ll do our best to keep guests out of the firing line, but, as I’m sure you can appreciate, his two heads make that a rather difficult task.

4. As for Jeremiah’s two heads, we understand it might be weird for those who are seeing him for the first time. However, we think you’ll be surprised how quickly you’ll get used to him, particularly if you avoid direct eye contact with his second head—the one on the right. In addition, under no circumstances should you agree to visit the time-share in Coral Gables, Florida, that Head No. 2 claims to represent. (For what it’s worth, there is no time-share; we found that out the hard way. Plus, the “free digital camera” is a piece of junk.) Don’t get us wrong; we love all of Jeremiah. It’s just that Head No. 2 can’t be trusted. Yes, even with its predilection for racial slurs, it can be very charming and funny, but, for the time being at least, please steer clear of Head No. 2. Instead, focus your complete attention on Head No. 1. Once you get past the facial sores, Head No. 1 really is quite delightful. If you tilt your head and squint, he kind of looks like Jude Law. Only without a nose. And with lots and lots of facial sores.

If everyone follows these guidelines, the party will be a success. Gifts aren’t necessary, but if you’d like to make a donation in Jeremiah’s name to the Southern Poverty Law Center, that would be much appreciated. Those guests coming with children should be sure to arrive by 5 p.m., as that’s when the mobile clinic will be administering free vaccinations on the back lawn. We look forward to seeing you on the big day!