We’re pleased to announce that minutes go by quickly again. You’ll put something in the oven, forget to set a timer, and BEEP, just like that: the smoke alarm is going off. Isn’t that exciting? Have fun, and buy a fire extinguisher.
You may recall that, in the last couple of years, days have gone by far too fast. Well, we’re happy to say we’ve fixed that. Days now go by at a much more normal speed.
However, in order to make this fix, we were forced to make it impossible to remember exactly which day it is. Each day will now feel like every other day, to the point that you will never remember when, exactly, anything ever happened.
After some focus-group testing, it’s become clear that people don’t like how long ago yesterday felt. “That was yesterday? I thought that was two weeks ago!” your mom yells, somehow upside-down, over FaceTime.
Well, we took that into consideration, and we made a big adjustment. Now everything will feel like it was yesterday. The boat that got stuck in the Suez Canal? That was a year ago. But doesn’t it feel like it was yesterday? Exactly.
A week has always given us trouble. No matter what we try to do, it’s always lasted too long: a year, a month—we even got it down to ten and a half days at one point. But we just can’t figure out how to make a week feel like a week. So we’ve decided to get rid of weeks.
No more weeks now. Just months. Sorry!
We’ve had our best people working weekends to figure out how to make a weekend feel like a weekend.
It’s not perfect, but we have a temporary solution: we’ve managed to make a weekend feel like two Sundays. On Saturday, you’ll have that feeling of dread about the coming week that you usually feel on Sunday. Then, on Sunday, you’ll get to have that feeling all over again. Enjoy.
A month is now equal to how long it feels it’s been when you finally look up from scrolling through TikTok.
Tomorrow is now reserved exclusively for things you’re expecting. Your package will always be arriving tomorrow. The weather will be better tomorrow. Your boss will pay you tomorrow. We’ll fix this version of tomorrow, tomorrow.
Based on our data, last year felt much shorter than the year before. We’re hoping this year we can beat that. Our experts believe that with our cutting-edge technology, we’ll be able to make this year last only five to ten years. That’s many years quicker than the last couple years have felt. Incredible!
That’s all for our updates—see you again in what will hopefully feel like less than a decade.