“Mike Pence was criticized for his handling of Indiana’s HIV outbreak. He will lead the U.S. coronavirus response.” — The Washington Post, 2/27/20

“Mike is going to be in charge and Mike will report back to me. But he has a certain talent for this.” – Donald Trump

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Viruses are not cells but rather a strand of genetic material within a protective protein coat called a “sin.” A virus is just your body’s way of telling you that your soul is damned. Why do you think the coronavirus has a little halo? With that in mind, here are some tips for maintaining spiritual and physical purity in the face of a global, J-Lo-and-Shakira-Super-Bowl-halftime-show-level sin outbreak:

  • Avoid contact with people who are not your spouse, priest, or the guy who lathers you head to toe in Pledge every morning.
  • Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth, you trollop.
  • Avoid touching your genitalia while using the bathroom. The leeches should suffice in removing waste, temptation, and ill humors.
  • Wash your hands for 20 seconds with holy water. Any longer than that, you’re just playing with yourself.
  • Drink lots of fluids. I am partial to creamed corn.
  • Do not wear a face mask. Masks are for cowards, the Antifa, and superheroes who wish they were Cyclops.
  • Do not sneeze. A sneeze is one-eighth of an orgasm. Can you imagine?
  • Stockpile a two-week supply of canned ham, shredded wheat, and repressed sexuality.
  • Do not frolic or play with a canine as if it’s a human member of your family. Most likely, it is a trickster demon seeking to amplify its influence via your Instagram page.
  • Get plenty of sleep, ideally during all the science mumbo-jumbo.
  • Stand for the national anthem, even if it’s being sung by a homosexual.
  • Hover your hand over your heart during the anthem. If your palm touches your chest, you’re just playing with yourself.
  • Stay physically active. I recommend corporal mortification.
  • Do not make eye contact with your reflection in a mirror, windowpane, or bowl of creamed corn. (That last one is three cardinal sins: pride, gluttony, and lust.)
  • Do not play cards to pass the time. Today it’s solitaire; tomorrow it could be tarot.
  • Do not smirk in the moonlight as if hiding a little secret behind your lips. Mother and Father are watching.
  • Don’t even think about seeing that new version of Mulan.
  • Pray the pandemic away, but only a few minutes at a time. Any more than that and you’re just playing with yourself.