Excuse me, it appears I dropped the results of my antibody test. You probably can’t read them from the recommended six feet of distance from me, which you seem to be slowly increasing, but the results are the same as my attraction towards you, which is positive.

Sure, I thought about using my newfound superpowers to do good in the world. I could donate plasma or sign up for studies. But I’m using my antibodies to make my world a better place, by getting laid by any of the millions of women desperate after months of being deprived of human contact. And it looks like today could be your lucky day. Get it? Like getting lucky? I took a stand-up comedy class.

As I can tell by the fact that you are still here, for the first time in my 37 years, the world has decided this is my time to shine. With the antibodies, for this brief moment, I’m one of the most desirable men in the world. Given the choice between someone with a great job, chiseled abs, a nice apartment, a bed frame, more than one towel, has cut their fingernails this fiscal quarter, and can possibly give you the virus, or me, to whom none of those things apply but who science tentatively shows is unlikely to give you the virus, the choice is clear. The choice is me.

We are all practicing social distancing, so this is a great chance to socially distance yourself from your standards. Come on back to my studio apartment; while you may leave without your dignity, you will also probably leave without the virus. And although there are conflicting reports about the antibodies actually providing immunity, you won’t be immune to my charm of probably being the first human you’ve touched since Bernie Sanders was still in the race.

Why, yes, that is python on my neck, and he does have a name, which is Joe Rogan. And yes, that is a samurai sword on my belt, and yes, it does always drag on the ground because I’m 5’2", and yes, before you ask, I can do tricks with it, and yes, I will show you all of them throughout a 20-minute pre-intercourse demonstration. But the best trick I have is my potential immunity from COVID-19.

Did I mention this Razor scooter has room for two?

Usually, I would offer to use some of my extra $600 in unemployment I’ve been saving to take you out to a nice meal inside of a restaurant, but since you probably don’t have the antibodies — which I have — it wouldn’t be safe. But I do have a fridge full of fish I can reheat for you.

Look, we’re all tired of three-hour Zoom dates that lead nowhere. But it’s fine, because we’ll zoom through our hook-up in much less time, if you know what I mean. I mean the sex would be quick. In large part because my lungs are more or less spiderwebs after getting the virus. Also, I’m not good at sex.

If you still aren’t convinced, after we’re done at the fornication station, and after a further demonstration of my sword skills, I can give you a haircut too. My hairline may not start until halfway up my head, but what I lack in coverage, I make up for in length. I maintain this ponytail and just trimmed it back to my waist. I think it looks pretty damn good.

We should probably do this soon since Dr. Fauci said the antibodies might be finite, but one thing that’s not in question is that you are fine and aight.

I’ve got the antibodies and for now, just face it: you’re pro my body.