Here at Time, we try not to inundate our users with too many updates, so it gives us no pleasure to inform you that we’ve made another big, sweeping change you may have already noticed: Every Day Is Now Monday.
You may remember that we used to have seven different days of the week, and each day served its own purpose.
Mondays were hard and upsetting, so we created Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays to help us get to Fridays, which were always really great. Then we had Saturdays, which were the best. And finally, we had Sundays, which were restful but melancholy, since they reminded us that Monday was soon to arrive.
Well, we’re sorry to say that due to major cuts to our budget, every day is now Monday.
Please know that we don’t revel in this news. Do we wish the day we have to repeat forever could be a Saturday? Of course we do! We would’ve settled for a Thursday or a Wednesday. Heck, even a slow Tuesday would have been preferable.
Unfortunately, from now on (and with no end in sight), every single day is Monday.
You might go to bed on Monday and think, “Well, tomorrow must be Tuesday, because it was just Monday.”
But you will be wrong.
You might try to convince yourself that because today feels slightly different than yesterday, it can’t possibly be a Monday again.
But all you’ll have to do is wait a few minutes to an hour and something will happen to remind you that it is, indeed, Monday once more.
You might even try to stay up all night, in case that would break the cycle and send you soaring bleary-eyed into Tuesday morning.
But this isn’t some kind of time-loop. This isn’t Groundhog Day or Russian Doll or Palm Springs. Every day is still a new day. Unfortunately, that day will now always and forever be Monday.
If you are unhappy with this update, we can promise this much: we will find a way to fix it by Friday, whenever that eventually comes.