1. First, have you considered just not ever leaving the house with the baby?

2. If you must leave, ask the server at the restaurant where you are inflicting your presence about the best corner to hide in, the darker the better

3. Fold yourself up in that corner, as invisibly as possible

4. Disappear, ideally

5. Or lock yourself in a questionably-clean bathroom, balance yourself precariously on the toilet, trying not to touch any surface while you juggle your infant with a nonexistent immune system so as not to disturb the other people getting brunch here, they mustn’t see a baby being fed. Hold your nose as someone exits the stall next to you post-breakfast burrito

6. Wait

7. No

8. Sorry, that was the wrong list

9. Instead:

10. Wait for your coffee to arrive

11. Bare your fucking breast

12. Put that baby on that breast

13. Nurse your goddamn baby

14. Because seriously

15. You are out in the world with a baby, at brunch, with coffee

16. And that is a feat in and of itself

17. So fuck that guy

18. And that guy

19. And him too

20. And her

21. (Women can be misogynists too)

22. And feed your baby if you want to

23. And if you feel like hiding in a dark corner alone

24. Please know you can get help, and it doesn’t have to be this way

25. And it isn’t your fault

26. Postpartum depression exists

27. But if you feel like someone is pushing you into that corner, literally, that corner there, the one the server just tried to put you in like you are an unruly houseplant instead of a person…

28. Just to feed

29. Your goddamn baby

30. Go on and sip your goddamn coffee

31. And give them a finger

32. Or two, if you can manage