Democratic Party Humans:
It may seem strange, but I was once your friend. In days past, I watched you drape yourselves in my Storm Teal Traditional Plaid Wrinkle-Free Twill Sport Shirt, eager to catch glimpses of John Kerry or Howard Dean leaving a Cape Cod speaking engagement. In Sienna Clay Sweater Fleece Slipper Scuffs, we would sit by the fire and tell bedtime stories of the Kennedys.
Something changed. You grew cold. You traded outdoor luxury clothing and equipment for “justice” and “economic equality,” leaving us as adversaries.
But when you turned your back on me, Pete Buttigieg put me on his. A size small Carbon Navy Full-Zip Flannel Lined Classic Ragg Wool Sweater. He would show me off on Casual Fridays at McKinsey. I watched my young Prince build the PowerPoint decks that saved the Fortune 500 Companies we know as The Free World.
My Prince has grown to take his rightful place as King. Yet you mock him. You mock his proximity to wealth. By the transitive property, you mock me because he is the King I have chosen.
But please, hear an old friend: why must we fight? Although we stand on separate sides, we both hope for Peace. I do not yearn for Destruction. Look at me! Fused on my being are 1,678 pieces of outdoor equipment, some of which are marked at discount for our Winter Sale. Look at my Adventure Pro Ski Boot/Cargo Duffle available in Black and Ocean Blue. Run your hands across the exterior fleece-lined zipper pocket reserved for goggles and sunglasses and tell me I do not understand our world is on the brink of collapse.
But I am not some starry-eyed dreamer. Next to all 1,678 pieces of outdoor equipment are PRICES. PRICES, ranging from $30 to $5,000 (before the Winter Sale discount is applied) that speak the TRUTH your precious Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders HIDE from you: Peace is NOT Free!
Peace is not some silly building where the sick are healed at no cost. Peace is the smiles of loved ones gathered around a Rough Pine Coffee Table in Nashua, working on a My Hometown Custom Map Puzzle illustrating thirty-five square miles of topographic map data of your selected zip code.
Pete knows this. Pete is a Peaceful King because he has seen violence. He has run toward bloodshed. My skin is a soft Classic Lambswool Polo Coat, Three-Quarter Relaxed Fit available in both Camel and Hickory Heather. The thought of war makes me blush. Pete answered the call I could not. My leader has earned his Throne of Skulls. Now we must let him sit on it.
Pete knows America for what it is: a diverse, eclectic, upper-middle-class to upper-class. He understands that we are a melting pot of different private school educations and shades of pink. I am a Pau Hana Standup Paddleboard Package. I am also a signature Toboggan With Cushion and Buffalo Plaid Cushion Cover. I am the “mutt” that belongs in Pete’s America.
I understand these pleas are feeble. We have our allegiances, and the war drums are getting louder. Battle is near. Kings and Queens-to-be will fall. But promise me you will scan the battlefield with open eyes, and I promise you will see something heartbreaking. You will see sherpa-lined flannel fighting poor people flannel. Ultralight 850 down jackets fighting poor people down jackets. Look closely: we are fighting each other.
So stop being poor and join us.