“I’ve never figured out what critical race theory is, to be totally honest, after a year of talking about it.” — Fox News host Tucker Carlson, 11/3/21.

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As a concerned parent/politician/TV personality, I am fully and totally against the teaching of critical race theory in our schools, and furthermore, I don’t know what it is.

I’ve spent the last year talking about how much I oppose and despise critical race theory, I have based my entire belief system/political platform/TV show on the ills of critical race theory, and also on top of that, I would like to add that I have no idea what critical race theory is about.

Don’t explain it to me—I don’t want to know. I only want to know what I think I already know, which is that whatever it is, it’s terrible and it’s ruining our kids’ lives.

How is critical race theory ruining our kids’ lives, you ask? I don’t want to get close enough to it to find out—that’s just how bad it is. It’s a race, right? But not like The Amazing Race—that show rocks. I’m guessing critical race theory is more like Squid Game, or The Hunger Games, or some kind of bad game. Is that right? Don’t you dare tell me!

I don’t even want to guess what critical race theory is about, actually. I want it to stay as vague as possible in my mind/in my talking points/in my interviews. That way, as many people as possible can join me in hating a thing we’re all refusing to understand.

All I want to do is keep using vague terms like critical race theory to convince my friends/constituents/viewers to emotionally invest themselves in issues that have no bearing on reality, but will give me control/power/lifeblood. And that’s why I’m completely, totally, and utterly against critical race theory, and, in addition, I couldn’t begin to explain what it is.