Parenting is hard, but it can be especially tricky when you’re not sure if your child is an unknowable terror from outside space and time, a changeling switched just after birth, famous actor Keanu Reeves, or just a garden variety human. Take this quiz to help you navigate these murky waters.
1. What is your child’s preferred method of communication?
A) A series of incomprehensible moans and wails that seem to rend the very air, leaving you temporarily unable to remember your name or the warmth of the sun.
B) Disarming coos and gurgles. Although there was definitely a lot of crying early on, but that seems to have stopped.
C) Soulful stares, and an understated air that we took for granted for so long and is now finally receiving some recognition.
D) Crying, so much crying, but then also moments of pure innocence and adorable grasping hands.
2. What are your child’s sleep habits?
A) You have never seen them sleep. You hope that they sleep in the times that you collapse in exhaustion, but you cannot be sure.
B) Like an angel! Oh my goodness, what a precious gift! And you could swear you hear the sound of harps and flutes from their room.
C) With an expression of stoic sadness. Even in sleep, the weight of the world seems to rest upon their shoulders, but they bear it well.
D) 30 seconds or 8 hours and nothing in between.
3. How would you describe
your child’s bowel movements?
A) An unending stream of terror, as if a gaping hellmouth to a shit dimension has torn open and brought forth vile abominations.
B) Gosh, they must poop, huh? Funny, you can’t remember it happening, but surely it must.
C) Nothing special, although Much Ado About Nothing was kind of a clunker, am I right?
D) As varied and colorful as birds of paradise.
How does your child like to play?
A) Every toy you have ever purchased ends up mangled and plastered to the roof of your nursery. You have tried to play them music, but a few seconds in, every sound becomes the gnashing of teeth and braying of goats.
B) Your nursery is full of toys you don’t recall buying, but your child ignores them all. Instead, they love anything that glitters; sometimes you see them sleeping peacefully on piles of your jewelry. How did they get that? Oh well, it’s too cute to stop.
C) Alone, mostly, which is fine, they’re used to it. Sometimes they volunteer to help you with chores instead of playing at all.
D) Hitting things and laughing, fairly exclusively.
4. What is your child’s favorite food?
A) A mixture of human misery and fearful adulation.
B) Nectar brought to them by hummingbirds.
C) According to a quick internet search: hot pastrami sandwiches and waffles.
D) It changes from minute to minute.
5. What were your child’s first words — if they’ve had any yet?
B) “Hello mother, I would love a cake with creams, and to play with the other children!”
C) “Listen, this has been fun, but I’ve got to get back on set for The Matrix 4.”
D) “Mama” or “Dada.”
Mostly As or Ds: Your child is either an elder god incarnate, come to break the wheel of time and end the billion-year cycle, or a normal human. Give it more time and pray.
Mostly Bs: Bad news: you’ve got yourself a changeling. If you want the original back, you’re going to need to visit your local Wise Old Crone to start the arduous process of retrieving them. But then again, it’s kind of tempting to keep the sweet one that sleeps through the night…
Mostly Cs: You’ve got yourself a Keanu Reeves situation for sure. Get his autograph and send him on his way. If it’s not too late, please also tell him that we’re sorry for making fun of him for so many years and that the John Wick movies are perfect.