Spring is coming, and you know what that means. Longer days, warmer weather, April showers, and of course, the one-year anniversary of my trip to Tanzania. Now you, someone who presumably hasn’t been to Tanzania, might find that the coming of spring reminds you of running around a suburban backyard looking for Easter eggs or some boozy spring break trip to Panama City Beach. But for me, a world traveler who has had my passport stamped in Tanzania, I’m here to remind you that dying eggs so children can hide them in bushes is like, such a waste of food. There are kids who are literally starving in Africa, and I saw them on my two week trip to Tanzania last year. While the return of the sun probably reminds you of quaint American things like field day and prom, the coming of spring reminds me, someone who has been to Tanzania, of the long, relentless African sun bringing life to the Serengeti. You might remember the Serengeti from The Lion King, but just in case you don’t, I’m about to blow your Instagram feed up this Thursday with #TBT pictures of me on safari in the Serengeti (that’s in Tanzania (in Africa)).
Did you know that Serengeti means “endless plain” in the Maasai language? Probably not. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure to teach you that in a very wordy and somewhat condescending caption in which I exploit a Maasai woman on this upcoming #WCW. Even though I never spoke to her, I will proclaim her my woman crush Wednesday and post her photo with a caption about how, “Even though we don’t speak the same language, everyone can understand a smile.” I will probably give her a made up Swahili name like Sarabi or Rafiki or Mufasa to add another human touch to my post. This will also give me an opportunity to let you know that the characters in The Lion King are named after actual Swahili words, because only someone who has been to Tanzania (like me) is privy to this knowledge. I predict that it will receive about 75 likes, and ultimately, it should serve as an important reminder to my followers that I have, in fact, been to Tanzania.
While spending two weeks in Tanzania one year ago, I experienced many things that the typical American could never know or understand. I ate ugali with my hands (look out for a fun little anecdote about this next week with the hashtag #EEEEEATS!), haggled and bought a dress at a market (to be featured in an upcoming #OOTD!), and befriended other white tourists from around the world. I met a lot of my white tourist friends at an all-night beach party in Zanzibar (very fun, very exclusive, no locals), but the friends who truly changed my life are the ones I met while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.
Kilimanjaro is the tallest mountain in Africa, and it just so happens to be in Tanzania — a country I have spent two weeks in. Did you know nearly 1 in 4 people who attempt to climb Kilimanjaro don’t make it to the top? I know this because I am one of the incredibly rare 75% who did, in fact, summit that majestic mountain during my trip to Tanzania one year ago. During my week on the mountain, I experienced many feelings: joy, pain, hunger, cold, nausea, shitting my pants, and fear. Fortunately, this wide array of feelings allows me to relate nearly any situation to my time climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania one year ago. I fully intend to mark the upcoming anniversary of my trip to Tanzania by comparing and contrasting my current life to my #MOUNTAINLIFE. Some examples I’m workshopping include, “It’s so hot out! Wishing I was back freezing my butt off on the summit!” or “Life has its ups and downs. Just like Kilimanjaro.” By posting so frequently about Kilimanjaro, I should be able to penetrate your social feeds enough to achieve three key outcomes: 1) reminding you that I spent two weeks in Tanzania, 2) reminding you that I’m physically superior to you, and 3) reminding you that I am better than you.
Oops, did I say “I am better than you?” I didn’t mean that. I’m just better-traveled and more worldly and well-informed on issues afflicting Tanzania than you because I have been to Tanzania for two weeks. But please, if you’re planning an upcoming trip to Tanzania, reach out for tips and recommendations! But actually, please, don’t go to Tanzania. How about a nice trip to Minneapolis instead? I really need to be the only person I know who has been to Tanzania. For the love of god, please don’t ruin the one-year anniversary of my two week trip to Tanzania; it’s all I have!
Anyways, I look forward to you engaging with my content and remembering that I have been to Tanzania. Hakuna matata! (That’s Swahili (the language of Tanzania (I’ve been there)) for “no problems!”)