Welcome, everyone, to this live 45-minute ‘80s throwbacks spin class! I’m so excited to be joining the SoulCycle family as your newest instructor. I’m Deborah: certified life coach, fitness junkie, and forgotten horsewoman of the apocalypse.
If you don’t have a horse, don’t worry! Your SoulCycle At-Home bike will get you the exact same results as my fire breathing stallion Zechariah. And by results, I mean the sudden and everlasting emptiness of death. Now keep your resistance low and your cadence high, and let’s get warmed up!
I bet some of you are thinking, “There’s no horsewoman of the apocalypse.” Well, people, that’s just not correct. You see, that pseudo-intellectual misogynist John the Elder left me out of the Book of Revelations because I was pregnant, as if I can’t balance childcare with ushering in the beasts of armageddon. I’m a mother of hell-forged demons, it’s true, but I’m also a career woman. They may have written me out of Revelations, but they can’t stop me from doing what I do best, which, of course, is bringing final judgment upon the masses through the excruciating yet surprisingly popular punishment of Fitness.
As we move out of the warmup, I’m going to play one of my favorite ‘80s throwbacks for you. It’s a little hymn called “Oh Ye Abandoned Souls Bow Down and Perish,” written about the bubonic plague back in 1382. If this doesn’t get your heart rate pumping, I don’t know what will. Now speed up your cadence and sync your pedaling with the final gasps of Medieval miscreants. If the pace is too much for you, pedal harder. Remember, this class is meant to destroy you!
Now that we’re all sweating, it’s time to work our arms. Everyone grab your weights! If you don’t have any, it’s perfectly fine to use whatever you have lying around. Sometimes I go with the rotting, vermin-infested hay I feed my undead Clydesdale or the fresh, still-pulsing hearts of murdered sinners. Today, I’m using femurs.
Raise those weights and punch those arms forward, people, that’s it, looking powerful! Visualize something that’s getting between you and your destiny, then punch through it. I may have been left out of the biblical boys club of apocalyptic equestrians, but I won’t let that stop me. I’m here to punch through glass ceilings AND the skulls of nonbelievers. Now punch. And punch. Three more, almost there!
Wow, great work, you guys. Put those weights down and crank that resistance while I shout out some milestones in the class today. Happy birthday to PiusPedaller, you’re doing the Lord’s work today, I can feel it. MamasBreakTime, I see you, great job out there. And congrats to BeerBongsAndBikes on your 100th class! Now that’s a sinner if I’ve ever seen one. You came here for your body, and now I’m coming for your soul.
Great work people, we’ve made it to the intervals portion of the workout. Laser in on your goals for this class and get ready to experience the true, unadulterated pain of eternal damnation. Anyone who has ever challenged us, who has made us feel like we aren’t good enough, well, we’re about to show them what we’re made of. I’m talking to you, John the Elder. You didn’t think I was man enough to rain judgment upon the earth, but here I am proving you wrong, one 45-minute ’80s throwbacks ride at a time.
All right, everyone, only one minute of intervals left. Everyone PUSH! Today we ride for ourselves, we ride for equality, and we ride for justice to be performed unto those who have betrayed the Lord.
Great job, we made it! For those of you who survived, congratulations, your cardiovascular systems are in great shape and your souls are pure. If you have the time, check out the 10-minute Christian rock cool down class with the ghost of Mary Magdalene. As for everyone else, well, see you in hell!