Hi, international action-movie star Jean-Claude Van Damme here. Right now, I’m in Anderson, Indiana, where I just finished filming Double Overtime, my latest action blockbuster, in the parking lot of this neighborhood Blockbuster. When my personal assistant finishes burning a copy of the film to a DVD on his MacBook Pro, I’ll go ahead and jog it inside.
But while we wait I’d like to take a minute and tell you why I’m endorsing Barack Obama for president. Now, I know what many of you are thinking: “Ha ha. Look—it’s ‘the Muscles From Brussels.’ Hey, asshole, do a roundhouse kick! Hey, hey, Lionheart! Do that totally queer drunk-dancing scene from Kickboxer for me and my frat buddies!”
I’ve heard it all before, so don’t worry about me. Unlike a lot of Americans, I’m doing just fine financially. I paid the $337 to make Double Overtime out of my own pocket, and, after my assistant and I send off a few copies overseas, I’m estimating it will make $50 million.
So I’m not doing this for publicity or money. I’m endorsing Obama because I still have numerous fans, and I want them to know I believe in Obama’s message of hope.
Hold on a sec.
What? Oh, the DVD is done burning. OK, uh, go ahead and Photoshop up a cover. Use that one of me doing the splits while crotch-punching the bad guy. Make the tag line “They thought the hockey puck had killed him—game over! But it hadn’t. And now his twin brother wants some. It’s Double Overtime.” Four exclamation points. Yeah, that looks good.
Sorry about that—movie stuff.
You know, for a while there, Obama seemed untouchable. The public couldn’t get enough of him. He was more like an international action star than a politician. But the campaign for the Democratic nomination turned into this grating, unnatural, soul-sucking thing, and at times Obama appeared ready to be done with it.
Call me crazy, but I prefer the candidate who appears to have barely veiled disdain for the emptiness and artificiality of politics. Although he sometimes succumbs to the very practices he denounces, I believe Obama is genuinely weary of gun-and-run tactics. To put it another way, at his age he’s tired of taking his shirt off.
Earlier today, just after we had started filming Double Overtime, I got a call from my agent. It turns out he got me a part in a legitimate studio film. I’d be co-starring with Steven Seagal in Timecop 3 / Under Siege 3: Unfinished Explosions. Seagal’s character, former Navy SEAL Casey Ryback, and my character, the time-traveling cop Max Walker, would team up to fight a chrono-terrorist during the Civil War onboard America’s first ironclad vessel, the Monitor. The tag line would be “Two legends. One knows ships. The other knows splits. Together, the South doesn’t stand a chance.”
I turned it down. I think Double Overtime will be my last action movie. I shouldn’t have to wear a flag pin, metaphorically speaking, to have a career as an actor. So thank you, Barack Obama, for striving to rise above a political season as trite and predictable as the shittiest movie I’ve ever done. You gave this aging action superstar hope that there’s a better way, that there can be life after Replicant. If I could legally vote in the U.S., you could count on my vote—because this Belgian doesn’t waffle!
(Performs jumping roundhouse kick into the splits. Close-up of face.)
My name is Jean-Claude Van Damme, and I support this message!