Our archaic and perpetually mismanaged company is looking to bring in a Junior Office Scapegoat for immediate hire.
Consistently operating with innate flaws and a toxic culture, our company has managed to scrape by as a faint industry presence through routines that could only be described as Machiavellian. Our lack of funding and resources ensures that our dumpster fire of an office burns as violently as the Great Chicago Fire—are you our O’Leary cow?
As Junior Office Scapegoat, you will work alongside all departments on all projects, all of which were absolutely doomed from their inception thanks to poor leadership, blatant nepotism, and, inexplicably, something you did. If you’re a recent graduate feeling hopeless about the future or just a deeply broken human—we want you! Learn more about the role and what it entails below.
- Event planning
- And so much more
- Bachelor’s degree from a top-tier institution that put you in significant debt
- Experience with overbearing parents who are continuously disappointed
- Proven three-plus-year track record of being from somewhere other than here
- Able to work independently on projects that were originally designed for four or five people
- Demonstrated history of taking the blame for things that are assuredly not your fault
- Capacity to ingest and absorb passive-aggressive (and aggressive-aggressive) emails
- Familiarity with a feeling of total and absolute desperation
- Must have semi-reliable transportation so we can claim that the only reason we didn’t hit our quarterly numbers is because you were late that one time
Our Company Culture
Is not good!
- Salary commensurate with experience, but… it’s going to be low
- 401K company match after a year, because we know you won’t be here by then
- The legal minimum number of PTO days will be given, and maybe a few holidays, but definitely not the progressive ones
- Occasional work-from-home allowances. It’s not a benefit, but we’ll treat it like one
Scream into the void. If nothing and no one responds, then please send us your résumé and a well-crafted cover letter that we’ll never read. If we think you might be a good fit, we’ll respond with an incredibly finite number of interview slots for some time in the next twenty-four hours, thus allowing you no time to prepare or consider whether you actually want the role.
Apply today to be our Junior Office Scapegoat. We can’t wait to blame you for our mistakes.